Does Having Children really improve a relationship?
Children are a gift of God, we have been told and most Africans I know, accept that tenet and live by it. But what of when a child becomes a hook to hold a failing relationship together or ultimately force a man to get married? Yes, I see the look of shock on most of your faces.
I remember having a discussion with a good friend of mine about this issue and laughingly, he told me that many of the men in his family were forced to marry their current wives because these women claimed to be pregnant but after the marriage, the baby conveniently disappeared. I have spoken to many African men with whom I have asked the what if question, i.e, what if your current girlfriend told you she was pregnant – what will you do? The resounding answer I got was, I will marry her. But upon asking – what if the relationship does not work? All I got back was a resounding silence. I am sure many of you are wondering what is Pammy on about now? What does she expect people to do?
Well, being the eldest in my family, unfortunately or fortunately, I have baby sat many a young siblings and young cousins and so I know babies are no easy walk in the park. You have to have everything together in order to bring up a child appropriately. One of the most important things to have together is the emotional. Research has shown that a child that is brought up in a home that is not secure emotionally or otherwise grows up to be quite insecure (You can read up on this at this website 
.
What does this mean? A child brought up where there is love between both parents is emotionally stronger than a child who grows up where there is no love between parents. One grows up more secure in who he/she is than the other. In addition to all this, children cause a lot of strain in a relationship. It is not strange to see new fathers having affairs because their wives attention is on the new child. Neither is it strange to hear of more arguments in families that have kids. Beyond the emotional, having kids is expensive. Yes, I just had to say that.
I know some of you, will ask if I have ever considered or played with the idea of having a child to improve a relationship. My answer is a resounding No. I believe in proper planning. Children are not toys, I believe they should be brought up in an environment that is completely welcoming towards them. Fortunately Jerrold Lee Shapiro, PhD, a clinical psychologist and chairman of the department of counseling psychology at Santa Clara University in California agrees with me and states that “whether a new baby brings spouses closer together or drives them apart has a lot to do with the pre-baby relationship” (webmd.com) .
For men, who are playing with the idea of getting a woman pregnant in order to make her stay (Yes, I have spoken to a couple of you), I say work on making your relationship stronger and then make that decision together. For women, who have no problems putting pin holes in condoms, or seducing the man to have sex with her with no protection on her most fertile days (cough, cough you know who you are), I say the joy of getting your own way in terms of marriage might thin in time. So, guys, keep love alive and keep everything in the up and up.
till next time,
Pammy
Posted by Pamela Stitch
on May 23, 2009. Filed under Zweli Lunga's Blog.
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