The thin line between discipline & abuse
Today was one of those days in which I had to be extremely early to work – so I basically did my cab runs (as a side note, I hear the word runs has a different meaning in Naija these days) to ensure that I get to work on time. Generally, the cab that picks me up from home, picks up a lady and her daughter from home as well.
As we sat in the cab quietly laughing at how Uncle SAM has made us tireless workers, the woman suddenly turns to her daughter, “WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?” she shouted. Startled, I turned around to look at the little girl expecting to see an attire that would incite a mother’s ire. The girl was dressed more bohemian than anything else. She had a flowery tunic, her natural hair in bun, a pair of blue jeans and a pair of shoe like slippers that I could easily have rocked. Basically, do I dare say it, she was a mini version of myself on my most comfortable day.
” YOU ARE SO STUPID” , ” YOU ARE 12 YEARS WHY DON”T YOU KNOW HOW TO DRESS” “YOU ARE SO USELESS” As the words tripped out of her mother’s mouth, I noticed the little girl shrinking more and more into her seat and then she burst into tears. I should have said enough. But, this lady looked livid enough to beat me, the driver and the little girl with one mighty slap. It was as though this beautiful woman had been transformed to a version of evil that I have seen amongst black families. I know if I told this story amongst my Naija folks, they will say things like” na Oyinbo dey do you. Na wetin be this abuse you dey talk about?”
But seriously when is enough enough. How do you know as a parent that you’ve crossed the line between a reprimand and something else? I don’t know but as I looked at that carefully polished woman become something else – I asked myself, is this who I will become when I become a mother? Will I not know when the boundary has been crossed from training a child to killing a child.
Let me tell you something – words can strip, words can hurt and most importantly words can kill. For many young girls, as they imbibe these words that tell them that they are stupid, they won’t amount to much at a constant basis – they start believing these things and what you have created is a child who will either try to prove that she is worthy and become an over achiever (not necessarily a good thing) or might become an under achiever( a parent’s nightmare).
So parents be careful of the words you say to your children – those words stick. I will like to add that this system of training seems more common in the black home than other kinds of homes? Why is that?
Posted by Pamela Stitch
on June 7, 2009. Filed under Zweli Lunga's Blog.
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