After the first write up on the African male and cheating – there was a huge out cry from the African male population with many of you looking for me on facebook to call me a bloody feminist! (I do accept the title though I prefer womanist) but that is a different story.
I realized that that topic is far from over and that I needed to address the issue of the African woman who chooses to cheat. Of course, we will have to start with the basic question: why do some African women cheat?
a) Because they can. Yes, as I have often said – what is good for the goose is also very good for the gander as well. Now, it has never been more true than ever before. With more women becoming on par with their male counter parts in every facet of life particularly in the Diaspora, some women are choosing to be on par with men in the arena of cheating. I have to admit that some are doing it even better than their male counterparts.
b) Something missing in the relationship: If a woman feels something is lacking in the relationship – she has three options either try to resolve it, walk away from the relationship or go find what she is looking for outside the relationship while holding unto her main relationship. For many men – the search is about something more physical, more often a more sexually liberated female but for many women – the search is for someone who can fufil their emotional needs.
Now, back to the question that you all will like an answer to. How do you know your woman is cheating? I am sorry to report that many women who do cheat are very wily in their cheating style. You only find out about their extra partners when they want you to and not a minute before. But, I am going to reveal some secrets here. Men take note!
Signs that your woman might be cheating:
a) She suddenly develops a strong affinity for the office. That is, she is always at work. She suddenly has so many business trips that takes her away from you.
b) She suddenly has a mysterious friend. This is a male friend who suddenly appears in the picture and one that she doesn’t share details of with you. If you ask more questions she answers, “oh, please stop being so jealous – he is just a friend”.
c) Priorities shifted: Unlike men who have no problems having and shagging several ‘Susans’ at the same time and giving all these ‘Susans’ the impressions that they are his one true love (add sounds of throwing up here). Many women who cheat have an inability to pull the same feat. As such, if you are a guy who is truly sensitive to the tides – you will notice the change in priorities whereby in the past you were numero uno, you will find yourself battling to get on her list of priorities. Classic example : if you have a woman who doesn’t forget birthdays, anniversaries and such and all of a sudden she starts forgetting these ‘tag’ dates. You might need to start paying attention.
d) She has no interest in sex with you: The classic lines: “I have a headache”, “Not today”, ” Can we please not do this tonight?” is on constant replay in your relationship.
There are so many signs out there to catch your cheating partner. It all comes down to you as an individual. Do you want to stick it out and make it work or do you want to walk away. Often times, a woman cheating is a cry for help or attention. Maybe, you might need to revamp your priorities and put her in the place that she needs to be.
Till next time,
Pammy
PS: Please, do not hesitate to give me your feedback on this issue. What are the signs that your woman might be cheating?
Pamela writes out of Long Island New York. You can send her an email at pamelastitch@zimbabwemetro.com
This reminds me of a funny story.
Back in my old hood in Zim. One evening we heard the crying sounds of a man shouting “Vanhu woye uyai mundionero”. As usual, the place was packed within minutes. The shouting man was still dressed in his SafeGuard uniform and there right there next to the door of his cabin was a guy wearing nothing but his briefs.
The SafeGuard fella was frantic having just caught his wife in bed with another man.
The fella then went on to say that he had seen the whole thing in a dream before, and that what was why he had been able to catch them. At hearing this statement the people in the crowd reacted with scorn. “If you could ’see’, you would not be married to her in the first place idiot”.
The world may be changing but the game is the same.
Sadly cheating has always been going on regardless of the gender. The differnce is (ACCORDING TO CDE Z)
………… Most African men will cheat and think it is their birthright. They will walk around with another woman in broad daylight and if the Mrs. finds out well tough.
…………..Most women (notice I didnt say African) cheat and think they are too smart to be caught. Amaizingly in some cases they are right (since most men do not dream)
Let cde say………..
please if you choose to get married, infact if you choose to do anything at all, Do it right.
If you are married do not entertain the thought of you cheating on your partner. And if you have children, think about them first……………….PLEASE.
Interesting observations, very interesting. However; one thing alone and one thing, is that most women when they cheat, they do so with SUBTLETY. Sometimes, and just sometimes they get caught. Pammy, as you are in New York I am damn sure you have read Sister Souljah’ book “The coldest winter ever”, first chapter, she goes on about how if a woman is playing her man, she will probably do the same things she has always been doing, including faking those coital noises, just to pacify her “main” man’s ego. However, behind his back when he is hard at work, she is screaming real loud in ecstacy with her bit on the side. Now on the contrary, men; have give away tell tale signs. Some of the things you have listed, well maybe a “clumsy” woman will do, those are playground excuses, a smart woman wouldn’t leave an obvious trail. There are never any plausible reasons for infidelity; race, gender, etc, it is what it is: INFIDELITY. If there is a proper problem in a relationship, especially in the boudoir, get it sorted if any of the parties are genuinely interested in each other, because if not, you are all just taking each other for a ride, which makes you shag buddies, nothing more really.
common decency – thats my bottom line. would i like it if my woman cheated on me – no! therefore, i should not cheat on her. she may never find out, or i may never find out, or women may be better at hiding it than men, or men have been allowed by society to cheat – those are just ways of trying to find excuses to explain away the issue. no wonder we have sexually related disease epidemics – we dont want to be personally responsible for our behavior and AIDS reminds us of that fact everyday.
i believe that if you cant get what you need in a relationship and you have tried to make it work but the other party is not forthcoming then LEAVE. try someone else. there are some people who really try not to cheat so once we start justifying it and saying its ok, its some kind of payback then we open the floodgates. if we are going to justify this behavior then why dont we just give up the idea of marriage ? once we accept cheating then the whole marriage construct falls apart. maybe marriage, as we used to know it, is no longer practical given our current setting.
now to address pammy’s question:
as CDE ZVAZVAITA wrote – if you dont know that your significant other is cheating then you are not married to that person – meaning, you are not fully committed, mentally, emotionally, physically. when you are fully committed, its easy to notice a shift in behavior. the reason why women are supposedly better at cheating is that the men involved in the situation have been so self absorbed that they dont know their woman very well. so when she cheats, its comes as a big surprise and she appears to be “wily” – in actual fact, all it says is that the man was not in tune with his wife. notice how a woman gets involved in her man’s life – she wants to know his family, his likes, his favorite color, how he snores, how his eyes look when he is angry or happy, she is constantly touching, hugging, she can tell what mood he is in just from a hug – she takes it all in and builds a profile about the man. so after that, she can tell if he is lying or he is hiding something. men, on the other hand, tend to forget to pay the same amount of attention to their woman so they dont get to know the woman well enough to quickly sense any shift in her behavior. even if they sense a change, they quickly bundle into some category such as “time of month”, “moody”, “nagging” – instead of trying to figure out the root cause. eg some men can go for months without realizing their woman is pregnant – they just think she is “acting funny”. this is what leads to the disparity – men dont pay attention to the detail and sometimes that lack of attention is what drives the woman to seek that attention elsewhere.
if you are really into your spouse, you can tell when things are not the same.
i was going to leave this topic for those who are married to comment.maybe one could say haiwa what do you know about married wen iwe svimborume.
in my wayward life i have helped 3 wives cheat their darling husbands.one was wife to a very respected and dignified member of his community.one was wife of an absent husband.murume ari kumusha.one was wife to a long distance husband.ayigara kumidlands with the wife in the south.its sad as i think of it now because what i learn was these women were just not for marrying.they had no much respect for thier mariages and all they wanted was my company.one would come all the wy 100 miles just to be with me even if it required only one round.the sadest part was that the husbands were so loving .one would call (the one who was in zim), and she wld say all nice that and that when she was with me.ari sei mwana , let me talk to her.hallo baby.bla bla bla isu zvedu takaibairira you know.bt hey i am bad.thats proper bad.those guys i bet have no clue that they are married to mabombo akadaro. its very easy to catch a woman and unfortunately women can lie as long as you want to believe them.after they are faced with a possible disbelief women cant sustain their lies.if she cheated in a marriage and you catch her the best option relaly is to let her go.its not worth the trouble.the next woman might love you more and its worth it ukudla emhlambini,as the ndebele would say.never stick around with a cheating wife,just release your soul from misery, send her packing whatever the count on your losses.dont start hunting for clues guys or elsmunorambira mukadzi kuenda kumashops.
as in any relationshipif she wrongs you she must hear about it.when she oversteps and cheats she should know the consequences are just the extreme no middle way and never forgive her.a cheating woman belongs to anyone else than her husband , simple
I will start my argument by telling you a story. Mr Jack was married to Mrs Jill and they all lived happily in the south coast of england. they had two lovely daughters and nothing was amiss in their relationship. Well, one day they went to an African (not Zimbabwean) party in Milton Keys having been invited by a mutual friend from Cameroon. However, after about an hour vasvika, Mrs Jill started complaining of not feeling well and she insisted that she was going to drive back home and was going to come back tomorrow and pick the lovely husband up. She finally got her own way (as women do) and drove the whole 2 and half hours back to portsmouth. Mr Jack ended hooking up “neboyz’ dzekumaraini just because they all spoke shona. Later on, Jack realised that he left his mobile in the car and he was expecting a VIPC from the middle east at any time. So he asked for a phone from one of these “boyz” he had just met to phone his wife. Sezvo aiziva nhamba yemukadzi wake nemusoro, he just punched the number in this stranger’s mobile and then pressed call. Much to his horror and delight the number showed up in the stranger’s phone under the name,
“**** REKUPORTSMOUTH”
right, saka chakaenda nechimwe chii? Nyaya yacho ndeya Gina!
People, lets not leave in denial. Cheating exists though inhumane and the more we deny it the more it persists.
However, cheating is most prevalent during courteyship where both aspiring spouses will be trying to get the best match to marry. During this period it is expected but with reservations though.
But when it infiltrates into marriage then it becomes a problem because one is expected to have done thorough due diligency on the other spouse before tying the knot. Remember marriage is a covenant made between you and the heavens and it is only death that shall separate the two of you!!!! Excuse me..
So cheating, what I am trying to drive at, does not warrant divorce but counselling and getting on with your lives together forever.
kuna Lucas naTonde ndinoti: pane yaka tombo tambika kuti zvinhu zvizo svika ikoko. it would interesting to get to know the history of all these couples.
kuna pastor ndinoti: apa munenge muri kuti its ok kuti paite cheating kana vanhu vasati varoorana. saka kana musikana wangu achi mhanyamhanya tisati taroorana, ndino ziva sei kuti zvicha pera kana taroorana.
inini ndino wona kunge nyaya iyi ndeye mapersonal choices atinoita muhupenyu. kana murume kana mukadzi ango gaya kuti ave kuda kuhura, hapana chino mudzora kusara kwe conscience yake. saka munhu akashaya hunhu, conscience, munhu akasa zvidzora achiri single, hapana chinozoita kuti azvibate kana ava mumuchato. personal choices – its all about personal choices.
cheku pedzisira ndiri kuda kubvunza mubvunzo : zvikanzi you will be allowed to cheat on your spouse kamwe chete and no-one will ever find out – saka your spouse will never know, your family will never know, even the person you cheat with will not even know that you are married. is it ok for you to cheat in that case. if you can answer that question and be honest with yourself then you will see what cheating really is.
What are the signs that your woman might be cheating?
Sometimes none!! For me, I do not even want to think about this wife cheating business at all.
You know why Pammy?
I was heart broken when I was in Form 3 with the girl that I thought was my life, the future mother of my kids, I use to day dream about us being married and working a nine to five job running home to see her, the Zimbabwean style if you know what I mean. She was my star, my moon and we were feeling each other like fish and water. I was in Mars Pammy.
But the unenviable happened. To make matters worse it happened with a low class I can never imagine (garden boy). Muporofita snatched my girl away from me after she visited her sister’s church. She was told she has chivanhu problem that need supervision from a prophet and she will live longer if she was to date and get married to a prophet in order to have closer help. This happened in Marlborough, not even Mbare, at least I will understand. To make matters worse she never told me, she borrowed my Science in Zimbabwe and when I went to pick it up on a quite and still Saturday. I caught them together. I was so heart broken such that I spend 3 days without food but only a cup of tea given the fact that I have never cheated anyone in my life. Until now 20 years later I am still heart-broken. Though now happily married with 2 daughters, I still do not trust any women 100% like what I used to do.
So to answer your question, I do not want to search for what I do not want to see because if I see it this time I will commit murder.
I’m a private Investigator in the USA.
I think the best wat to catch a cheater is the Online Infidelity Investigation.
That’s where you take the suspected cheaters email address and I locate the personal ad websites that email has memberships on.
I think this is the least expensive way to catch a cheater and should be the first step in any infidelity investigation.
To Lucas,
history will judge you hashly,and will repeat itsself when someone will shag your wife.you will feel the pain mate.as for me i sometimes cheat not with loose women of cause but with girls and single mothers.
mukadzi wemumwe ndiambuya.listen to the old boys youngman.one day you will die of rukaho.
Anyway iwe Pammy une murume here iwewe.huya kuno kuUK timboona chivakas**** chako chakamira sei tichigadzirise.hahahaaaaaaaaa
Baz
I think that is really unnecessary and very disrespectful of women. Clean up your self my man, you sound dirty.
Indeed Baz you are so dirty,choose your words with care man.
Maybe Baz is proposing in the only way he knows…? Maybe he really is interested in Pammy??? Chakafukidza dzimba matenga ende Amai Raiza vepnextdoor pamwe vakawanikwa neiyo internet.
Folks cheat coz they can and one flavour over and over again aint adequate to satisfy all the ‘taste buds’ on a regular basis. Variety is the spice of life. If the buttons get too used to being tickled in one manner, the other smaller inhibited buttons around them kinda start screaming for attention and wallah! RekuPortsmouth rofonerwa!
Pammy
Marry Christmas babe gal and I wish you all the bestin 2009 with some hotter topics
i am not sure on the signs of married people.i know my a girlfriend has someone else when suddenly this weekend she is going tomanchester to see aunty who came from zim.next weekend she is working a shift for someone who has asked her.next weekend she is baby sitting for mbuya madube towns away.the phone goes unanswered.arranged appointments and outings are cancelled last minute or she just does not turn up.she has invited you to her house and you pitch up she is not there.she is avoiding anymore time with me then i know i have company and normally its time i find someone else.the signs are varied but all the same anything that upsets original arrangements must be viewed suspiciously.lastly yes dont under estimate the power of the computer.the internet is a very powerful tool that you can use to catch her.i wont waste time on the mobile phone but that too has helped many as the rekuportsmouth story will confirm
i think the intial submission and research by the Writter(Original) is too shallow and too general, shes just trying to steer up and get indepth information from readers without doing a proper research.
No wonder every second woman has a second phone. Guys times are changing if you don’t pull up your socks someone will pull your woman s down.
Generally wives of cheaters cheat. Husbands of cheaters also cheat. Thats how the Almighty punishes. Kazhinji zviuya zvinowanana. Factors such as distance also encourage cheating. The husband/wife in Zim would be cheating so is the spouse in the Diaspora. I have seen so many cheating women especially those in the middle age at workshops or colleges. As for men hazvitaurike.
Cheating kubatsirana especially mudiaspora vakadzi makawandisa varume vashoma saka zvakaipei kubatsinana, selfish pple