Oppah Muchinguri should be in the “presidium”….
I have been busy lately slaving it like a Zimbabwean civil servant and busting long-ass shifts at the “international and gay firm” I work for – hereinafter referred to as the IGF. Anyway there is something about the December heat that makes the slave-drivers at the IGF get ape-like and I haven’t had enough time to do a post for zimbabwemetro.com. Admittedly I have missed out on relevant subject matter over the past 3 weeks or so and you can even tell that this post is way way way late. But a post about women (Zanu women or otherwise) is better late than never and that kind of reasoning is probably why I am the leading intellectual-cum-blogger on all things Zimbabwean.
My bosses at the IGF have conspired to make my life this holiday season as dull and pointless like the just-ended Zanu (PF) congress and the only consolation I had left was we might end 2009 with a better looking woman in Zanu’s “presidium”. I am not too sure if by extension and in accordance with Zanu’s constitution that would have meant said better looking woman would then have made it to Vice President of Zimbabwe sooner rather than later. I am not an expert on Zanu’s constitution – we might have to consult Abel, Rinashe Dyembewu or the late great Mukoma Pedzisayi on that!!
The woman in question is none other than the ageless Oppah Muchinguri who I understand would have made it the so-called presidium of the party had it not been the fact that Joice Teurai Ropa Mujuru’s people threatened to sexually assault all delegates – male and female – at the conference if Oppah ever won a seat on the holy presidium. A normal person would normally dismiss such rumours as utter hogwash but I have been brought up to believe anything is possible with Zanu PF and Teurai Ropa is not exactly Mother Theresa! And like I said before this post is a little bit late and things tend to get exaggerated over time and for all I know Teurai Ropa’s success may have had nothing to do with such threats!
I will not lie, Teurai Ropa is not half bad if you prefer your women abundant, fleshy, with two chins and astute enough to run inter-continental diamond smuggling rings. But some of you might agree with me that Teurai Ropa might need to holla holla at Oppah’s plastic surgeon this December – after all there’s nothing a little liposuction, a facelift, a nip and a tuck here and there might not be able to achieve. Is it me or Oppah just doesn’t seem to be getting any older?
One of the benefits of working at the IGF is free internet access and I have just consulted the Googles a few minutes ago and every pic of Oppah shows her progressively looking better than the average cholera-ridden 16 year old girl from Sakubva. As a matter of fact I might have to see if the editor can’t cast Oppah as this Christmas’ Metro Girl, Lord knows we need new blood there. We could also rope in Makosi Musambasi to give Oppah tips on how to rock some of that new lingerie stuff out now and strike photogenic poses for the cameras! You know that kind of education was not part of the training curriculum during the war of liberation and who else but Makosi has that info on lockdown.
[Blogger’s note: This might be the idea that may just save zimbabwemetro.com, imagine the number of hits that might be generated, if this ever comes to fruition all I need is the credit]
I am assuming all straight male readers will agree with me that in the looks department Oppah > Teurai Ropa on any given day. And on that basis alone I would rather have Oppah as vice pres seven days of the week and twice on Saturdays rather than the fleshy Teurai Ropa again. We might just graduate from the pariah state that we already are to a moderately interesting Southern African HIPC (highly indebted poor country for all you dumb readers out there). Who knows it could be the trick that may save us from annihilation at the hands of the current presidium, nothing moderates hardliners more than a fine looking broad.
If Oppah ever makes it to vice pres all this fighting may just die, Zanu’s male politicians will never have enough time and the will to strategise on how to eff up the nation like now. Most would be strategising on how to “hit” that! Readers from across the political divide may have to agree with me that she may be the finest of all these older and prominent Zanu women. We can’t even be talking about Shuvai Mahofa and Olivia Muchena – YUCK! – eeeeeeewwww. Shuvai chunky legs alone are enough to make an investor close his cheque book and tell us to keep it moving. On the contrary with Oppah in charge I can even see Barack Obama on a state visit to Zim just to assess progress on the implementation of the GPA, review democratic and media reforms and consult with Ol’ Tsvangson on a road-map towards lifting the targeted sanctions.
Admit it if we had a better looking female vice pres Jacob Zuma would probably prefer taking showers in Zimbabwe regularly and most likely he would apply enough pressure on his comrades who are bent on killing us dead! Hell, Zuma being the populist that he is he might even let us host one of the World Cup games at Gwanzura Stadium.
But then there could be better Zanu women out there qualified for the job other than Teurai Ropa and Oppah that I do not know of, so if you guys do feel free to drop names in the comments section!
Merry Christmas and a better 2010!!
Posted by Tonderayi Makombe
on December 17, 2009. Filed under Music.
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