Many Zimbabweans would have paid a dishful of the worthless Zimdollar to be a lizard or other accepted house pest on the walls of the Zanu PF headquarters or wherever it is the Politburo and Central Committee meeting took place this Tuesday and Wednesday.

Well, a little lizard, shaking his head, gave me his online, realtime, blow by blow account of what transpired in those days. Herewith some snippets.

Lizard: “As they await the arrival of Jongwe, Politburo members are sitting in definable cliques, a few whispering ominously to each other, frantically jotting points of arguments to be raised during the meeting.

On one side is sitting General Mujuru, surrounded by his faction members. On the other side of the grand table is seated Mnangagwa, looking more relaxed and only whispering one or two things to colleagues on either side. Closer to the head of the table is Msika and the clique of former PF-Zapu heavies.”

Enter Jongwe: Kwara kwashu! All the factions jump to their feet, Mujuru ever so slowly and so deliberately it was better he had remained seated. But he has made his point, and the battle lines are drawn.

Jongwe, after sitting down, “Please sit. I am here to discuss with you cabinet appointments before I make them, as you realise that not many of you regulars can be guaranteed a place on the team anymore. I want you first to understand the importance of this agreement we signed on
Monday..”

Mujuru, interrupting, ” But Chef, hamuone here kuti makatiregerera panyaya iyi? Zvamakaitaka izvi, ndiko kupa Tsvangirai masimba atakanguri tati chipaiwo mumwe wedu, pazvakanga zvichatipa chance to win elections..” (You let us down, you’ve literally transferred power to Tsvangirai an issue we have been begging you to do for so long within the party, why we could even have won the elections..)

Mugabe, in an irritated voice: “Problem with you, Mujuru, nevamwe vako, munoda kusiya gwara remusangano. The way you did this was not right, you know people come and sit down and talk these issues, I would have told you when I was ready to go, when I was tired…but look at me, I feel
younger and fitter than most of you..Iwe wosimuka woti, he-e, Makoni izvi, he-e Makoni izvo…handiro gwara remusangano..Dai asiri Emmerson, where would we be neTsunami yakanga yauya na Tsvangirai?”

Mujuru, responding: “That’s where you are mistaken Chef. Emmerson uyu (pointing at Mnangagwa) hondo yaakaita ku povo is what will destroy us as a party..Now you are going ahead and favouring his sympathisers with posts, you have shown that already in the appointment of governors – Kaukonde makamurasa, nevamwe vakawanda muchipiwa vanhu na Emmerson. Is that what you want to do with the cabinet again?”

Mnangagwa speaks up: “Chef, do not listen to Solomon. Solomon made it clear he was not supporting your candidacy right from Goromonzi, to the harmonised elections. He was the sponsor of “Bhora Mudondo” strategy (kick ball to touch) to get you out while Zanu PF MPs were voted in, so
they would then work with Makoni. Problem with working with people who think like him, they will want the party to fail, better give me the chance to complete the revamping of the party, otherwise we are doomed.”

Mugabe, nodding his head: “That is the issue, makatengesa musangano muchida kupfidzisa Mugabe, pedzezvo toruza ma harmonised elections.(You sold out the party wanting to fix Mugabe, consequently we lost the elections). Ini ndakange ndati, well if that’s what you have chosen, I will let go, and leave the party to die. Emmerson was the only brave one, met me with the generals and presented a plan that has taken us where we are today. You all know we would not be fighting even for this
half a loaf, which is better than no bread at all. ”

“Chokwadi ndechekuti takaruza ma harmonised elections, uye tingadai tave kumamisha tichirima, dai tisiri mu Africa.(If we were not in Africa, we should be in the rural areas, tilling the land cause we lost the elections.) The whole world knows it and we know it too, we lost the elections, period. But its some of you who made us lose these elections (pointing an ominous finger in the direction of Mujuru).

This humiliation we have to suffer , sharing power with Tsvangirai and Mutambara is because we lost the elections…”

“Zuro ndizuro, vamwe venyu makavhotera Lovemore Moyo for speaker (Only yesterday, some of you defied the party and voted Lovemore Moyo for speaker of parliament), when we all had agreed to vote for Paul Themba Nyathi. How do we move forward as a united party, selling out at every turn like that?”

Mutasa, clears his throat to attract attention: “Gushungo is right. We let him down. We have to work with Morgan and Mutambara. Gushungo told me that Mbeki was very clear that the basis of the deal should be the March harmonised elections, as Morgan was rightly demanding, although Mbeki could never publicly agree. Remember we could go alone based on June run-off, but nobody was ever going to recognise our government, including Mbeki himself. ”

“Moreover, all those savings you have made overseas and your companies all over the world you would lose, and you would have nowhere to sell your minerals. The moment Mbeki leaves the scene in South Africa, we would be faced with a prospect of being truly isolated, and assuming MDC did not change their policy of peaceful dialogue in the meantime which would present us with the possibility of a civil war. Zvakaitwa na Gushungo ndizvo zvechirume chaizvo ma Comrades, if we are to speak the
truth.”

Mujuru, more toned down: “I hear you comrades, but let the few positions be distributed fairly. Emmerson is not the only one akaita jambanja. In the end we all did our part, ask my Wife what she accomplished in Mashonaland Central. We all did our part saka zveku favour Emmerson ini handidi kuzvinzwa. Zanu ndeyeropa iyi, uye Zanu yakabva kure. Vana Emmerson makabva nepi kana toda kutaura nhoroondo yemusangano?”

Msika, waking up: “Lalelani la, I am only concerned that we respect our internal party dynamics, remember the Zanu – Zapu accord of 1987. If you do not recognise those dynamics, don’t say I did not tell you if you hear there is a resurfacing of PF-Zapu, I hear Dabengwa is at an advanced stage of resuscitating Zapu. I cannot guarantee continued membership of former PF-Zapu to this party if we feel sidelined. I want my vice Presidency, I don’t care what else you do. But this thing of
giving them Finance and Police, ukuthengisa ilizwe..(You are selling out) ” And he doses off again.

Mugabe, going in for the final kill, bangs the table thrice: “I know you all very well, make no mistake. I know who deserves what. I have a challenge of standing up to Tsvangirai and Mutambara. I have got to allow them room to operate so they can turn around the economy, that is first priority. They have the ear and the purse-strings of the West, let us all be clear about that. Once that is done, we can always see how we can regain the upper ground. You have to trust me with this one yet
again..” Attempts to rise to his feet..

Mujuru, trying his luck one more time: “One last thing Chef, what is your plan to leave office, can’t you see you are now the weight causing the ship to sink to the bottom of the sea? This is as good a time as any to lay your cards on the table, allow us to choose your successor and work towards a proper hand-over, otherwise we are destroying the party never to be redeemed again..”

Mugabe, “We will discuss that when the right time comes. Have I said I am tired? Moreover the party is too deeply divided and without me, it would disintegrate. Why have you lost all respect, Solomon?” He stands up and leaves the room …

Patrick Huni is a Zimbabwean political commentator based in Johannesburg South Africa. The excerpts quoted above are a satirical derivation of what could have transpired in a typical Zanu PF meeting and are not factual.