The Single Mother Trap!
Lifestyle
August 18, 2008 | By Pamela Stitch | © zimbabwemetro.com ⋅
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A couple of years ago, I went to visit a good friend of mine in his house. I met his girlfriend there and we got a talking. In the process, I found out that he had been going out with this lady for awhile, in retrospect that should have been my clue in, after all I am his close friend and I had never heard of this woman. After the lady had left, I sat down to have a personal one on one with my friend. Of course, the ever curious Pammy, had to talk about that lady. The conversation went like this:
Pammy (laughing happily) : “wow! I see the signs”
Male Friend: ” What signs?”. ” What are you on about now?”
Pammy: “she seems to be the one o!”. (At this point, I was already planning my traditional getup for his introduction ceremony).
Male friend (with a bemused look on his face): “the one for what?”
Pammy:”ah ah. Marriage. This is the first time I have ever seen you so serious about a woman in my life”
Male friend (laughing uproariously): ” Not in this life time, she is a single mother”.
Pammy (confused look on my face): “what does that have to do with anything? She isn’t with the father of her child so why is that an issue?. It is obvious you love this woman”.
Male friend (still laughing): “Please o! Don’t you know that you do not take on people’s problem. A single, young, successful man will never marry a single mother unless there is an extra incentive. It isn’t done unless he is off his knockers. You just use them to pass time till you are ready”.
Pamela at this point is pissed off and amazed at this kind of thinking. So, it is fine to f*** a single mother, and be in a quasi relationship with a single mother but you can never take this person seriously! Allow me to become Zimbabwean for two seconds as I say asi chi nha!
Now, I felt that this kind of mentality was just one for my friend who I had put under my “Pammy’s cuckoo list” but I happened to log into one of my favorite Zimbabwean forum sites and this topic was under discussion. The question really was, “why do Zim men want to date the single mother?” A lot of the response brought up were basically on the same line as my friend:
a) easy to sleep with.
b) no need for any form of commitment.
c)many do not expect any form of commitment from men.
Now, I am a bit concerned about this because it seems that many African men view these women in the same line as prostitutes. My question is, what makes these women so different that they cannot expect to receive or give love? Why must the rule be different for men and women when it comes to single parenthood? A man can have children with twenty different women and he is still looked at as a prime catch for any woman but women can’t do the same and be looked at in the light of being someone’s wife. This is a double standard that needs to be addressed.
So, as I often say, edumacate me……why won’t you take a single mother as a wife? For single mother’s, how have you found the dating scene?
*PS: Pamela isn’t a single mother. Pamela is anti double standards in relationships. Pamela is definitely against men who get women pregnant with no intention of marrying them and go chasing other women in their late teens and early twenties (you know who you are!). Oh yes, for those African women having sex with African men, be careful…it is very easy to become yesterday’s discarded newspaper if you get pregnant for him without a ring on that finger, so wrap it up, take those pills and everything in between. To be forewarned is to be forearmed!
Pamela can be contacted via the email: pamelastitch@zimbabwemetro.com
Sorry Sweetie, maybe l was too hard on you the previous time anyway l totally agree with you on this subject. Most people think just because someone made a mistake (of getting pregnant) then she should be punished for rest of her life; which is wrong! l believe single mothers should be treated with uttermost respect and men if you think a single mom aint good enough for you then stop wasting their time because someone out there (I might be one of them) is ready to give that chic all the love she needs regardless of her past. I know of several moms who are better wives than the so called innocent women So to the single mothers l want you to know that all hope is not lost and you are just as special and don’t be desperate the true Man of your dreams is on his way to your life.
It has to start with you single mothers…. if you just open those legs to everyone you will be used. There are many men who will find such targets safe for relieve than going for prostitutes. If you are true and patient, you will find your match.
It definately has to start with the single mothers themselves. They should not be hopeless after getting pregnate by someone who will not marry them. Most of these single mothers will leave other people to direct their lives and become so desperate such that I can not believe it SIS. If I was allowed to give them a gift, I would have to give them the ability to see themselves the way I see every person including woman (single mothers included) so that they would realise or iknow WHAT A WONDERFUL PERSON THEY ARE
Its not only single mothers who are targets but any loose woman on the run. Don’t personalize issues, If I see a loose chick whether 18 or 30 I’ll definitely lay her! So those mothers should not open up! but if they don’t we will dump them and look for one who can open up! Its like that, I’m still left with 5 years to marry so any woman who opens up is welcomed!
As one concerned father once said to his son: washayei mwana wangu kuzoda kuroora mvana. his concern was probably more for his reputation as the father than it was for the welfare of his son. While this is, no doubt, a narrow minded approach to finding a wife, I have come to find that women also discriminate against men who have children from a previous situation. A close friend of mine has been divorced for the past three years and half the women that he has approached have admitted that the fact that he lives with his three year old daughter is a major stumbling block and in the end they basically offer him a “spare wheel” or plan B position - ie if he sticks around for long enough and nothing better shows up then they MAY eventually give in from sheer exhaustion and marry him. Double standards ? - absolutely. However I think women take the cup when it comes to double standards.
Undoubtedly, there are unfortunate circumstances that have left many single parent fending for themselves however there are also a lot of people who have gone to great lengths to make sure that don’t have kids until the time is right. Surely, such people should be rewarded for their efforts and be allowed to choose a partner who also does not have kids. Truthfully, inheriting kids will take a lot out of a person who has never had kids - financially, emotionally, socially. Its very accommodating to declare that single parents should get a fair chance at dating but its not easy for someone who doesnt have kids to jump into the role of parenthood
So while it is inconsiderate to take advantage of a single mother, it should also be acceptable for someone to decide that they would rather not marry someone who has kids.
Well said Mumwewo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“(Pamela is definitely against men who get women pregnant with no intention of marrying them and go chasing other women in their late teens and early twenties (you know who you are!).”
That same Pamela should preach to other women that they should close their legs all the time, if they cannot close then use protection. I am not talking mvana to show my ****, hell No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I tired of these nowadays ill-inform women who open legs even on the first date then expect me to be serious. Hell no!!!!! I come from a better family than that. No mvana for marriage but for a botty call only. It sounds harsh, but it is the only way mvana can start to be smart.
There is usually an element of desperation in most of these women Pammy. I have a very close friend who is in the same situation and is even considering going back home (to Africa) to seek a husband because she has been dated, slept with and dumped so many times (even by respectable Christian brothers). I think the origin of this problem is our cultural perception of what a bride should be. Most African boys are taught, as they grow up, that a perfect bride is one whose hymen would be intact (virgin) when you have your first sexual experience with her. Therefore there is this belief that anybody who’s not a virgin is immoral…much less one who has had a child. It’s almost like taboo to marry her. As a result, women who have gone one step further by having a child, live with the fear of NEVER going to get married, particularly to single guys. Because of that, they tend to be easy to get and more generous with their bodies.
So the way i see it is that it’s much more to do with WHAT OUR FAMILIES WILL SAY. Therefore to correct this, we need to change
(1) Our cultural inclination to please our families (and even extended families) at the expense of our own happiness.
(2) The common philosophy that women who aren’t virgins are ‘defiled’ or inappropriate to marry.
Pammy you’ve openned up a whole can of worms!
Here’s my take on this issue, the heart wants what it wants. It doesn’t discriminate on the basis of race, religion, ethnicity or social status. There are so many people who go through life going through the motions just because they adhere to ’social norms’. If everyone is true to themselves then they’d be happy instead of trying to please society, most of which doesn’t give to hoots about you. As a consequence we have men and women alike, who leave their single parent partners because society has placed some warped view on such people, and go through life wondering what might have been. That is no way to live just the one life we are given on this earth. I say if a single mother or father rings your bell then be with them, if you’re gay be gay, if you’re muslim and want to be with a christian or jew, be with them, you’ll be better for it instead of living a lie.
I am actually looking for a bombshell single mother for a soulmate as long she is HIV negative. They are more understanding after all. Any serious single mothers out there??????
this is interesting and educating. this shows that as Zimbabweans we are slowly coming out of our socio-cultural norms and deliberate on the very real issues that affect us day-in,day-out. its indeed difficulty for single mums cozy they also want fun like everyone but it doesn’t come easily unlike single ladies who have lots of options.Given also that they had sexual experiences before,most of them are not young either, their appetite is expected to be higher making them easier pray not only from inside pressures but also from guys who passes by.So the observation that single mums are more ready to open is not unexpected from my view point. I can imagine them wanting to hold on waiting for THE GUY, but what kind of guy in our culture would be told no sex before marriage by a single mother. i am not saying it cannot happen or saying they shouldn’t do that but clearly saying there are negotiating from a much lower and vulnerable position. As much as they may want to negotiate,its just difficulty,ultimately the deal will be a compromise. I urge them to keep doing what they are known to be doing, taking good care of man, any reasonable man who loves happiness in a marriage like myself, would obviously be happy with that. i am still single,never married and don’t mind marrying a single mum who is HIV free,caring and not abusive
ko gadziraka Chat room then invite people to meet and chat. I think that will keep some of us tuned in and while up time. What do you think Pams? ndipindirewo babe
For me Pammy, you touched a raw nerve! There are various reasons leading to being a single mom, and sure enough, it doesn’t mean one doesn’t have to get married waitiswa mwana nemumwe munhu. Certainly not. But I have a big problem with gals who sleep with dudes, get pregnant and get dumped.Its their fault should they experience problems in getting married. I just cant understand kuti someone brought up the African way, why would you open up your legs for someone who hasn’t committed himself to you, with our without protection! It boggles mind. Men loves women, they will do anything or say anything just to lay. The more raw a female is , the harder the dermination!
Gals, please, close up. The problem start with you, don’t open up before you get married, that way you save yourself from a lot of problems.Every gud and straight gal will always find a great dude and thats a fact!
I’m 35, and single, fairly successful and have lived in most parts of the world. I have seen and experienced fairly a lot. What all men want is sex, and thats all.
My advice to the single moms, your best bet is to get married is to seek divorcees. If you hang around single guys who do not have any kids of thier own from previous relationships, chances are that you are being used no matter how gud it might seem.Yes, there are a few in instances where such relationships have lead to marriage, but in majority of cases, they have always ended up disasteriously….that is within the African and more specifically the Zimbabwean context.
Part of the problem is , vasikana vane nharo! They don’t listen and understand.It’s us the guys who are telling you this. Yes, you can be desperate, and thus trying out anything, but its that very act that will compound your woes! If you have a kid or kids from previous relationship, leave single guys alone… look for something else. Unless kana muri kungoshandisanawo henyu!
Culturally and for me an African , marriage is for me , my relatives and friends. Its not for me alone.Not that these people tell me what to do, but when I am in it , it becomes for all of them one way or the other. Whereas, in the Western communities, marriage is just for two people, end of story. So, do cope what you are seeing where you are , unless you don’t have anything to do anymore with vanhu vari kuZimbabwe.
So Tonde, if you have a big problem with single girls who have sex is that to say you are a 35yrs old virgin? It goes back to Pammy’s original question, why is it ok for men to play the field but not women? It sounds rather hypocritical mate unless you’re a 35 yr old virgin.
But Pam is already discriminating against single mothers. What is the point of saying “Pamela isn’t a single mother” in your PS (Postscript). So don’t try to pretend that you yourself would like your brother to marry anyone they like including single mothers, if you yourself is against single mothership.
lookup: No I am not but I know how some readers think and before you know it, these readers will say, Pamela is so passionate about single mothers because she is one…don’t listen to her…she is begging us to come and take her…and all the wonderful things that some can say. So I had to clarify.
The issues I raised are real issues…please, keep the discussion going……
Pammy
i think this topic brings up the related issue of society and culture. while most of the stigma and prejudice against single parents is largely due to societal pressure, society is made up of individuals and those individuals are you and i. it is therefore our responsibility to bring up these issues( thanks pammy), discuss these issues as we are doing and redress where necessary.
there is no-one from another nationality or from another planet who going to come and change our societal expectations and dictates. we individually need to take steps to correct, adjust, re-visit our practices. that individual effort will translate to group effort and the resultant attitude or expectation will become the new norm. we are society and society is us - society is not just our parents and grand parents. if we explain things away as merely societal, society will readily accept it and sit on the issue. hence the expression: everybody’s problem is nobody’s problem.
i am in my late 30s and one day i may have a daughter who may end up a single mother. i would hope that she would be able to move on and meet someone who will readily accept her and the child. it is therefore my responsibility to try to make the necessary attitude adjustments - hopefully other people will make the same commitment towards the betterment of our culture and society.
Interesting article. Interesting range of responses too. I think we as Zimbos have a long way to go with regard to maintaining useful cultural values and ridding ourselves of useless ones. There ain’t nothing wrong with getting it on with a single mother. Some of the responses make one cringe. Itr ain’t just Mugabe ane maproblems panyaya dzepfungwa. We all need to refocus if Zimbabwe is to even prosper at all. What exactly is wrong with having a child? Children grow and some go on to excel and even light up the surnames of their adoptive dads. Our culture is stuck in a timewarp and needs to grow with the realities of everyday life. People meet up. People have children. People don’t get along and people break up. Saka yave death sentence here kuti wakarambana nemunhu wawakaita mwana naye? If our attitudes are so ****ed up like that then why not just go around and shoot all the single mothers then and be left with the “perfect” utopia that Enock Mamvura and other numpties like him/her live in? The funny thing is that most of the questions that face society become more relevant to one when it becomes personal. What will you then do if your sister hooks up with a violent dude anomu**** everyday voita mwana vese? You just gonna sit there and say “Oh yangove booty call for the guys???”. Talk about being bereft of ideas!
Women opening their legs on the first date kudawo bhaudhi just as much as dudes do. It is perfectly legal ende anoda kubhaudhwawo ngaabhaudwe!!!
Ah bhurukwa rake rakambobviswa nemumwe. NOOOOO. Joking. Single mothers, ah where are the fathers I thought they must be called irresponsible fathers. How do you make someone pregnant and dump her in these days of AIDS? **** kills guys lets not make them good looking girls pregnant.
I think in my second life I rather marry a single mother because they are better understanding and not cry babies. How many people on this blog have been brought up by single mothers or have been brought up by step fathers.
Thanks to Baba Mugabe, single mothers will cry no more! Single mothers will find it easier to get married. Why i say so? Firstly, as Baba has dispersed us abroad, we are meeting even stranger cultures that are amazingly permissive, to the extent that our mvanas’ will look saintly, especially if they are so just out of momentary foolishness (remember the ‘ndaiti tirikutamba’ syndrome). Consider Botswana for example, where the Tswana girls are EXPECTED to have a kid or two to be deemed marriageable.Its absolutely a proud achievement for girls of Tswana/Sotho/Pedi origin to have their own child. Then in South Africa, on marital status, i have come across a status not known in cultured Zimbabwe, ‘Long-term partner’ or simply ‘Living Together’. In other words, ‘kuchaya mapoto’ is recognised under South African law, such a partner is in line to even inherit the goods of the deceased partner, after just 6months of staying together!! No jokes hama, ndo zviripo.
Saka Baba Mugabe, “mutungamiri wedu watinofarira” had the single mothers in mind when he dispersed us far and wide. Herein my suggestion single mothers, find yourself a diaspora man who is less stigmatised and sooner than later unenge wave pa ‘kitchen’. Out here the men have seen terrible things which makes your once off mistake very ‘forgivable’.
i dont get it.what is marriage and where did it originate and when?pamela,human beings are just a biological entity.depending on what you believe they were created or they evolved.part of the nature of creatures of same kind with humans is that they attract one another,have sex or simply mate.the female one gets her eggs fertilised in the process and a period later gives birth and alittle one or more is added to the kind.chete.if i find a woman anod zvekurara tichidanana tichizvarisana thats between me and her.i dont relly think the issue yemarriage is important.humans have evolved to be a kind that has made sexual activity a recreational activity yet in its natural state it is purely a process of pro-creation.marriage has nothing to do with sex and breeding.thats why even unmarried people can breed.marriage is just a social ritual that fortunately is headed for the dust bin.a lot of peole suffer because of trying to stick to that farce called marriage.even bible all it says is be fruitful and multiply not marry and multiply.some will marry and have kids,some will have kids and then marry some will marry and have no kids some will not marry and have no kids some will have kids and not marry and still some will not marry not have kids and not have sex.it has nothing to do with being a zimbabwean male.it just is a fact of nature.ukavhurira kapipi kangu kanokumitisa simple and dont feel guilty about it its nature.wakamboona panomuchato we tsuro huku kana mombe?under these clothes and the make ups we are exactly that—-animals and thats what we should be .
Guys ini hangu i love single mothers they are mature they understand, if there is one out there there is one man here who respects you and wouldnt mind dating one for a long term relationship leading to marriage
Aa im mani musanyeperani, varume tnoda masingle mothers for relief only. Haanetsiba, you date today yu **** tommorow. Mavirgn you can go fr a month,
All I have to say to those who see single mothers as just ‘off layers’…..I am sure a couple of you are single fathers who expect to marry a woman who happens to be a virgin. My question is why is it right for men (regardless of their circumstances or age) to marry anyone but if a woman has a child or more outside of wedlock, she becomes undesirable.
I think a lot of us who can should start questioning our mentality. Every person has the right to their pursuit of happiness.
pamela what makes the diference is murume haamitiswi.so if i go get 20 more sex partners handidzoke ndichiremerwa nemimba.iwe just 1 anogona unobva wauya nezidumbu rizere munhu.thats important to men.they donot want munhu amboitwa nevamwe.the assumption is even that size yakurisa kana pakambobuda munhu.however as for me give me any beauty.any sweety will do as long as akanaka and achigona.but also it has to be maybe one or two.vakazova 20 ndotanga nokuitwa seka Gola (baba vaGora)
forgot to mention , my latest by the way, who i love to bits only problem being i have loved lots already,is a mai t.t lives with her grandmum in zim (the swetie’s mum ) and already i have talked to t i heve sent her a few things and i am looking forward to seeing the baby that my heart throbe brought to life.but obvious marriage is something else
You know what Pammy, your question is just like asking why man don’t get pregnant after sex. Its as simple as that. That’s how women are vulnerable to such kind of abuses. Its partly casus fortuitas and partly human but the Godly aspect of the jinx prevails more.
Already panyaya dzehwuSingle mother idzi, women start at a disadvantage and thats a fact and we all know that facts are stubborn. Like my brother Lucas puts it, a man can **** a trailer load of conqubines but (provided he doesn’t show signs of ill health) at face value nothing can show for that uncalled for behaviour. But with women, kungoiswa kaOne, the fact yekuti they are prone to get prgegnant, can change her status in the society unless azoroorwa.
Where in Zim do you find girls or women looking for a virgin man to marry. It has been accepted by our culture that its only women who have to koshesa virginity rather than man. There is no way a woman can go to friends and brag kuti I have been laid by 3 different men today alone but the same is very possible and machoristic for men.
its always unfair for ladies of course but since we are the evolving society i wish fairness would prevail. to be frank i have a got a sister arimvana, i am taking care of her together with the baby. Now my issue is i have got the burden out of us irresponsible men. For how long shall i take care of her when you my coleagues(men) are adamant that you won’t marry her. zvoreva kuti ndichamuchengeta kusvika hamenoka. i personally have learnt that though its ladies who have visible scars,its us men who are irresponsible and for that reason we should give mvana some acceptance and stop stigmatise them. all being equal sex is sex, after all we can have hand sex, men can have sex with men, ladies can have sex with ladies. the issue is only on stimulating the sexual senses located on our genitals, whether you do it on your on or with an animal, or with an 84 year old man, its the same sensation. So where is the notion that munhu akambozvara *****yakurisa uye haachanaki coming from? kudaika varume vese vachiramba vakadzi vavo after the first born. Anyway the fact that we are at least able to hold such fora as this constructively to me means we are heading in the right direction where common sense shall prevail.
brother michael your sister will find a man.like i said inini i am actually going out at the moment with a single mother.whether i marry her or not depends on hunhu hwake now and how we click on.the way things appear at the moment chances are i might marry her.unless if things go really bad.but then ini i am not a young man i am a very senior bacherlor aka svimborume or tsvukachin’ai.if i find umaz’akhela that might suit me fine.the point though is the market for nvana (as you call them) is smaller.the issue yekuti rinotatamuka is also possible so is the belief that whoever was the first she will always want to give it to him again.(can you confirm that pamela)
I would like to say that i really like your blog http://www.zimbabwemetro.com a lot
now.. back to business haha
I cant say that fully agree with what you typed up… care to clear things up for me?
Pammy dai waiziva kuti mvana hadzina zvibinge hawaimbotaura uchidaro.Pamweni akaigumisira musi waataura kuti avane nhumbu which is almost 5-6 weeks.After 2.5 years osangana neni 22 ndichine hasha iwe rega uwone mavhurirwo anoitwa gumbo kuroverera kumberimberi kana kutoisa imwe nhumbu.
Oh well. Liked this topic Pammy coz it wuz relevant 2 all of us everywhere. Cheers for relevance! It gets all of the arseholes talking
i agree with you my bother Mlambo. I think the issue of the first guy who had sex with a woman comes mainly from the soul-connection aspect of sexual intercourse in which case the first man carries it thus the gals becomes vulnerable to him in future. even in the bible it talks about husband and wife being one flesh telling us a lot of behind the scenes.
its just an unfotunate situation the way l see it 90% of all single mothers are going to be taken advantage of,its like ndiko kunoponera varume vakawanda especially the married ones.the thing is every man will be saying waimboitwa nani nguva yese iyi,saka wakasakadzwa kare.sorry single mothers but thats the truth lm just saying like it is.varume taka sikwa takadaro.