Should I Move In With Him?
Lifestyle
September 2, 2008 | By Pamela Stitch | © zimbabwemetro.com ⋅
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A long, long time ago, in the hot throes of passion, lust and love, I played with the idea of moving in with my partner. He lived more than 10 hours driving distance away from where I lived and I was sick and tired of the whole commuting, the planning and all the wonderful ‘joys’ (said with a cynical smile) of a long distance relationship. In retrospect, I am glad that I never discussed that with my mother because she would have flipped and that conversation with her would have been on constant replay for as long as I lived.
On Saturday, August 29th 2008, the three ladies of the lovers lounge (Brown Suga, Ekene Onu and Myself) decided to discuss this issue on SARFMRADIO because this is an issue that does come up amongst Africans. The question was should you move in with your partner? Who benefits from such a move? and most importantly does it hurt or harm your relationship in the long run?
Now, for many African women, the answer is a resounding NO because we know that in terms of power play and who gets hurt the most if the relationship doesn’t work - the woman is at a disadvantage. Imagine, moving in with a man, the man cheats, you decide not to continue with the relationship and you go home. Imagine, the stories within your community as your value in African society diminishes while his remains the same or increases. Why increase you say? Well, because he has managed to keep you his culturally not wifey in his home, kept another one outside and is definitely the nice white meat between two slices of bread. Come on, think of the ego factor in most African men.
Now, apart from the obvious advantage of continuous sex ( Pamela currently drooling) and having the opportunity to semi observe this guy - what other advantage lies in moving in with him? Question really is why should I move in with him?
My question for you guys
have you ever considered moving in with your partner? what are the advantages and disadvantages?
ps: The lovers lounge will run on SARFMRADIO every last Saturday of the month…you can send us potential topics at thelovedoctors@bigstring.com. As usual you can always send me an email at pamelastitch@zimbabwemetro.com
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Well,i am a guy and aware of some of the shackles of our culture.I am one of those who does not celebrate some of our African practises.This guy you are seeing could do ever\ything tha culture requires him to do but it does not gurantee happiness or the longevity of the marriage.I subscribe to the idea of-are you happy,is that the way you want your life to move forward,whats your plan b ,is there love and personally would put culture last
So do whatever you heart desires as long you are happy,consult and be open minded,culture is dynamic,its not 1908 but 2008.Enough said!
Interesting stuff no doubt. My two cents…kugara kure nekure zvinodhura and culture doesn’t buy chingwa. Culture is dynamic and ours should follow suit. Out with the rubbish and in with what is good in other cultures as long as it’s beneficial kwatiri. I feel ya when u say zvikazobhendha the girl comes out with the “tail” between her legs ( er um not literally btw!) etc but I seriously think we shd consider goodstuff in other places. Ehe culturally it is “cooking pots” but ngaichikurawo culture yacho. Loadsa Zimbos do it here and vamwe vatove nevana etc but kumusha kusina kuenda mari….another topic yelobola inondishungurudza bcoz I don’t quite understand why we have to pay money kuti somebody akachengetwa akaendeswa kuchikoro etc but ndave off topic.
My point….culture haitengi chingwa and it definitely do’t pay the bills. Move in with him kana madzokererana!!!
A human being is called such because of their moral worth.Hence we have ladies getting married.If you do not value this institution of marriage, then you could move in and stay with your boyfriend, if he dumps you, you can go to another one, and again you can leave and go on and on.If you value your womanhood, then he should marry you first before you not only move in, but also have sexual intercourse with you.If you do not care about womanhood, then yes, you can proceed and stay with the guy, am not sure though whether if you stay you still expect him to marry you formally or not???
That is utter nonsense. So getting married is what proves your moral worth??? And womanhood is valued by getting married??? Saka all the women who are not married but co-habitating in fruitful relationships that have borne the brunt of hardship over the years way better than lots of Zimbos in marriages do not value their womanhood??? A human being is a human being period. That is not determined by moral worth etc but by genetic makeup chete. Moral worth hunhu hwako and what you want to be and a sensible society should have balls enough to appreciate that people are different. There is nothing chinoshamisira about getting married. If Zimbos are so morally upright ko inga nyika irikungosarira s**** wani idzo nyika with “less/no moral worth” dzichingoprosper and ivo vanawo marelationship asina kumbosvika paaltar yaani naani vachingoprospa. Mukondombera hobho kuZimbabwe kune machechi asingaperi and loads of people going to churches every Sunday. Let’s not lie to each other about nonsense. You can be whatever you want. Unfortunately there are too many mindsets achiri fixed backward within and outside Zim and we are going to have a hard time convincing those minds kuti time and and culture have moved on. Kana achikuda anokuda chete and getting a ring on your finger or goats and pigs sent to your village in Matuzadonha aint going to change that!
to begin with to hell nenyambo inonzi marriage.there is nothing moral about marriage just as much as the is nothing immoral about living in/living together.the thing to take care about is that the relationship justifies moving in.if the relationship is good zvekuti it can still subsist while muchiita live together then thats it,go for it.if muchida kugaa mese just because you want the passion that comes with kugara irimo then dont because blaz akapererwa nebattery reality will dawn.pamela there is no general advantages or dis as regards whether you should or should not move in.of course depending on your circumstances you may want to live in so you can pool resources obviously aday-aday comes as a bonus.you may want to move in because uri kuda kuspeeda up his commitment,apo unenge wairasa like when my loveliest ever girlfriend from wales tried that with me.it destroyed our affair zvokuti pamwe ndaidai ndisisiri bachelor so.just be creful kuti whatever makes you move in is not selfish ends but something you are agreeing on.
kana ari yabu you might find moving in forces him to decide quickly to mary you.
disadvantages are generally more to do with other peole tan with you or him.kana uri w****chi you might wander what others would say,vatsvene.if you are a chizvarwa chechivanhu your parents and relations may be shocked kuti uri kuchaiswa mapoto.and also if you die you may complicate issues nekumurooresesa guva .pamela usachiswamapoto sha zvinodzikisa rating because unobva waita senge someone akatombowaikwa akarambiwa.on the other end zvinokubatsira kuziva kuti murume akadii and decide whether anoita or not.imwe danger ndeyekuti unomitisa .makagara mese cances are you will skip protection easier than a casual visit
Fellas, please bear in mind that Pammy is Nigerian so maybe we should try and write in English for obvious reasons.
To the issue, have you ever bought a car without test driving it? Some couples simply cannot live together besides everything else going for them. They unfortunately find this out after taking the plunge. This does nothing except make for an unhappy marrige until either party is brave enough to call it quits.
Like Ketai and Lucas said, go through with it if it feels right. It would save you a fortune too so there are more incentives in that regard. I find is hypocritical that some people want to talk about moral uprightness but what is happening at home if far from it. It is widely accepted that men and women cheat on their spouses….so much for the sanctity of marriage. Morality is a personal issue, one not to be judged by others, do what is right by you in accordance to the personal standards you set for yourself. I think it much better to find out what your prospective wife or husband is like before taking the plunge, it may save you from making a terrible mistake.
With any other man who is not a Zimbo i believe its okay as long as he loves you. BUT if its a zimbo dont step your foot into that house with the intention of moving in .The guy will take you for grunted and he will use you every night and uchishandiswa rough all positions in all directions only to wake up the next morning achikuudza kuti he has to go KwaBulwayo just to have fun with another woman iwe wasiiwa waka renka pamba washing his clothes and cleaning his house. Its in these fools to take their women for grunted and chaanenge achida from you anenge akatochiwana kare. There will be nothing to fantasize about you anymore and the next thing he is comparing you with some gal who refused to give him a kiss back at the office and start describing you as a loose woman as he will be discussing your behaviour sipping a bottle of Bohlinger’s in a pub with his pals. As if he can use his head that good he will start asking himself so how many other men had this very same share with this woman (you)???? The next thing he is paying lobola for a chik next to his uncle’s crib in Highfield. Usabvume kushandiswa. Zimbo rakaipa. Let him pay your dad for a good night’s work then and only then he can take you home.aaaah!!! Kujaidza munhu.
LOL!! at lilly. I am rolling on the floor with laughter at your comments.
Guys: I will come back with a response, no worries….
Taking the initiative to move in is equally a risk because you never know what the guy will think next. By the way patience is a virtue that carries a lot of wait. There is no need to gamble. Open up and let the guy understand this is what you are up to so that at least you a get his side of the story. Unless you are desparate, that should be a good idea.
Y should I pay dad? Ko vangu vobhadharwa nani?
Guys wouldn’t mind for a chick to move in , infact like it is proverbially, its getting the milk without paying for the cows.In the short term, yes, both parties benefit; sharing bills , companionship, chores e.t.c.Besides, you both get to know each other pretty well should you decide to get marrried.For me , this sums up the advantages.
The disadvantages are more to the female side, more so within our Zimbabwean context. Dudes usually don’t take you seriously if you have previously stayed with someone else. You become less marketable if you harbour any thoughts of getting married.
My advice to chicks is that , don’t move in with a dude if you are looking forward to getting married one day…I think most of you would agree with me that, for gals, if they don’t get married at say between 22 - 27, its usually hard to do so thereafter for the simple reason that dudes will be kinda suspicious where you would have been hence not keen on committing themselves to you.
I think its bunch of bullcrap to say that culture has moved on and hence if both of you are okay with it, then do it…these are some of the bad vices of modernity…there is nothing decent about it…if all those around you are doing it, it doesn’t make it right…!!
That consideration is the kind of crap that you would only hear from females who have failed to command good relationships..well brought up chicks , whether African or otherwise , don’t move in without getting married!
If and only if you are in Zim then your assertions hold true there because Zim “culture” or the lack of it is myopic. Times have changed whether you like it or not. I have worked with loads of people who have co-habitated muno mandiri muno who have good long lasting relationships. I also know loads of people who have gotten married and gotten ****ed senseless but they didn’t live happily ever after. Kamwewo kamudhara kachikusignisai bepa kachiti maroorana is not what proves kuti you are well brought. That is utter nonsense and you know it. Our parents generations vaigara vese not necessarily because they were in love but bcoz that was the “culturally acceptable” thing to do, whether he made a punchbag of you or not. Btw I am not female so the stuff above has not come from a disenchanted female who has failed to command a good relationship. Getting married is not the same as having a good relationship and one would have to be extremely stupid to think the two necessarily go together. More than forty percent of marriages where I am end in bitter divorces. If Zimbo dudes are ****ed up then that is what we should try address rather than kungoti don’t move in with him yadda yadda yadda. Neria showed a case in point kuti culture yemuZim yakafa and it needs a wakeup call. Whether you want to admit it or not we are ****ed up and if we don’t start by altering useless traditions isu vechidiki wherever we are then we will be ****ed for good and getting a band around your finger ain’t gonna change nowt
culture is dynamic. notice that we openly discuss sex and relationships on this forum. this was unheard of during our parent’s era (1960s). saka, i believe that at some point a couple should try living together - especially those that are already engaging in sex. the idea being that the couple needs to establish if they can really live together in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer. once a couple begin co-habiting, the novelty of sex becomes secondary since the sex is readily available. this allows the couple to focus on other areas - finances, house-keeping, cleanliness, family relations, moods etc.
previous generations were more committed to staying together so even if they had never lived together, they would try their utmost not to split up. whereas, our generation is not as committed so couples will split up at the drop of a hat (i am in my late 30s). so it seems to me that its better for a couple to get together so that they can figure out if they really want to be together till death do them part. try not to take the moving-in as a sign that you will marry that person. rather take the moving in as an exercise to see if you really want to be with that person. that then suggests that one should not re-arrange their life simply to have more sex. sex is great but it is not enough to keep a couple together.
saka naizvozvo, pammy, if you think you really like this dude AND he could be marriage material then by all means, discuss it with him and start making preparations for one of you to rellocate - after all, if you are going to get married, one of you will have to move anyway. realize that there is not guarantee that he will marry you even if you move in with him.
consider this: if he decided to drop everything, re-arrange his life and come and live with you, would he be guaranteed that you would marry him ? probably not - you dont want to be forced to marry him just because he moved in with you right ?? the point being: moving in with someone is not a guarantee of being together forever. it is merely taking things to the next level to see if the two of you really want to take things to the ultimate level.
i second those who said culture z dynamic.wats the point of payin lobola then divorce 2 mnths later? egt to know each otha first….tambai mese mujairirane!lol
This is very enlightening for real.
Tell you what, despite all the advantages associated with moving in with a man, girls/women don’t be fooled. This is an act only comfortable with losers and madhiniwe, period e.g. off layers(single mothers), single adult women(nearing menopause but have been sexually active seens teenhood) etc.
Fine, our Zim culture does not condon that and even the western cultures, yes they are doing it but its at your own risk. Women all you have to understand and acknowledge, without any doubt, is that in that relationship set up, you have a lot to lose or a lot at risk than your male counterpart. Inini, being a man as what may name above clearly spells out, ndikawona a woman willing to move in with me, kunenge kuri kuda kukwirwa chete nothing else. Ende kukwira rough futi.
Kana wakamboita mwana wakarambwa nababa vacho kana kuti waneta nekukwirwa in a no strings attached relationship, yes the moving in might work because already the damage has been done so apa kuda kuedza to salvage a few good pieces from the debris.
Asi to those who are still “credible” women in the society, marriage first then moving in later though in between chinhu chinenge chichitsva hacho..haahh ini ndoda gambi mhani!!
pammy, howz au?
Pammy is doing great…..
I have read a lot of your comments but we all will agree that all relationships have a measure of risk involved. Some will argue that there are people who never lived together and they are heading towards divorce court while there are others who lived together and are still happily married.
Personally, I think it comes down to you, what you want and what direction you want the relationship to go. As an African woman, if I ever decide to live with a guy, I will keep in my mind that regardless of whatever happens in this relationship, I will keep my head high and still be fine. Because, society is horrible towards African women who live with their partners compared to their male counterparts.
Once again I will ask - this time to the entire forum. What are we doing to redress what we dont like in our culture? Culture is defined by society and society is us. It is our turn to be alive and we wont get another chance after we pass on. What legacy are we going to leave for our children? Are our daughters are going to be judged on the same “unfair” standards as Pammy alluded to ? Are we going to do anything about the roora/lobola issue mentioned by Mzoo? Are we going to turn the tide so that Lilly can be more trusting of her Zimbabwean men?
Why must we just write things off to culture ? Notice how other nationalities do away with what they feel is unjust and regressive. Why do we tend to hold on to practices that are irrelevant to our time. Dont get me wrong, there are a lot of good practices in our culture but there are also a lot of impractical ones. E.g. The idea of lobola is good because it makes marriage a serious process not to be taken lightly. However, charging lobola in $US just because mukwasha is in the US is pure extortion. Similarly, back in the day when women kept their virginity until marriage, it made sense then that living together was not to be encouraged. Today, a lot of girlfriends spend weeks on end at their boyfriends place and no-one even raises an eyebrow - but as soon as the words “moving in” are mentioned, suddenly it becomes a sinful, meaningless affair. Ko zvasiyana papi ?
It is really up to us to define the way we want to live. Bob Marley got it right when he wrote redemption song. It is really up to us.
Well……
Pammy
I guess it depends on where are you(staying). Imagine living in Zimbabwe cohabiting with a guy then you break up later, I think as a woman your chances of getting married by people who knows you will deminish unless if you do not care about being married.
I live in Canada and most guys here we have been living with girlfriends since 2001 and alot of break ups take place. But now the problem to girls now is noone in the Zim community likes them anymore. And guess what? Most of them have to be forced to import a guy from Zim or moved to other far away gold cities in Canada with the objective to try and find someone who does not know their history. Manje so, I rather leave in my own apartment shaas.
**** NDIZVO
VEMBRO
****
Joc! Joc! Joc!
Joc, you need to control yourself, gambi handicho chinhu chinonaka chete, okay. I will arrest you if you continue uttering such subversive language.
Asi wamborara kupi chaiko iwewe JOC.
I think to avoid dissapointment, you should agree on a verbal contract say 6 months and then make a more informed decision. Plunging in has its abvious disadvantages. Some people continue living together because neither wants to look like they are the ones who opted out and at times both are not brave enough to call it quits. with a contract in place, Pammy you move out after the six months and by then you will know exactly whether it was worth it or not. Believe me after 6 months of continous sex it becomes monotonous and might not be worth the trouble. Food for thought.
Monotonous??? Shuwa mudhara?
do not move in with him. it’s a bad idea. keep things the way they are are, with the annoying commute. he will be so happy to have you at home, at the end, he may not even marry you and then what do you then? do you do most of the commuting? just curious
Our Zimbabwean traditional marriage calls for the groom’s arm and leg. It is almost a purchase. So when the commodity availa itself free of charge, many will use it as such - Free of Charge. Many men in this economically tough existence will find no motivation to then proceed with the necessary steps of marriage that may leave them broke. Hence your union will remain complicated for a long time.
Another feature of the African man’s mentality is much to with his ego. Some guys will actuaaly think that it is their cleverliness that gets ladies to bed with them, thus assuming the lady is someone averse to sex and has to be tricked into the act. This casts a bad light on a woman who then comes so willingly to present herself for the act. Some men will have you but with a lot of suspicion - ‘maybe she is running out of tym on the market and wants to pin me down,’ or ‘maybe somebody has already impregnated her and refused the responsibility and she wants to find a way to offload the bun on to me.’
Many assumptions are made BUT the actual good thing is that you should be able to judge what’s good for you taking into account that not all times in your union will things be blissful and at such tyms you realise that without a marriage recognised by the community, it is very easy for the breakup to be achieved and thus you as the lady will be in disgrace.
If you are not 100% sure that you will amrry him dont move in. No African guy except akafirwa will marry a woman who is known to have stayed unmarried with another fella. Unotozonogara kwausingazikanwe kuti uwane murume. Here in Diaspora some former Harare avenues prostitutes are now married to unsuspecting guys.
Pammy Im also faced with a similar situation. My boyfriend lives in SA and he asked me to move in with when I go there. I dont know anyone else in SA and I want to go and look for a job. I will need his support until I get on my feet. Im just worried that what if he doesnt marry me. That terrifies me and Im a mupostori which means Im not supposed to have sex before marriage. I have a son but ever since I was born again I have abstained from sex for 2 years now. What do I do?
munei ! munei ! munei ! munei ! munei ! vmunei ! munei ! munei ! munei ! munei ! munei ! munei ! munei ! munei ! munei ! munei ! wadirei kudaro? ungagotya kununa iwe wakasasikwa sei nhai mai mwana. chingoenda kunaamuboyfriend munozvionerako. Whats the worst that can happen?
Abel, thanx. The worst that can happen is that the guy does not marry me and ndizvo zvandinotya. He raised the issue last month after he said the permit process was taking too long. He had offered to get me a job elsewhere if I was not willing to sleep with him and I told him that I dont mind staying with him or at the other places he had mentioned. He hasnt quite communicated since my response. Zvinongonetsa.
Hi Munei,
You know me…I have to be absolutely honest with you. I am not a fan of moving in with a guy when you have no ways of sustaining yourself if things go wrong. Should you move in with him depends on how long you’ve known this guy. How financially secure he is because you will be asking him to take care of you and your son and that is some money out of his pocket per month. How soon you can get a job in SA? These are issues that you should really consider.
We can all say, what is the worst that can happen but you do not want to be stranded in a strange land with your son in tow?
What I recommend:
a) See if you can get a job before getting to SA.
b) If not…ensure that you’ve saved enough money to take care of yourself and your son just in case something happens and he throws you out.
c) Ensure that you do know this man - in terms of how he reacts to frustration and hardship.
d) Find out how financially secure he is?
If everything seems right - then why not…move in with him, enjoy him, and enjoy South Africa.
You also brought up the issue of sex before marriage:
where will you be sleeping when you move in with him? If you will be sleeping on that same bed…ehm…ehm… I suspect that you might be having sex more sooner than later but if not then maybe he can wait till you get the ring on the finger.
But being quite honest…there are very few African men who are willing to wait….or if they wait..they normally have some woman on the side that they are banging….
Take care,
Pammy
Hi Pammy and Munei
The problem is that life itself is not all cosy in SA and getting a job while outside is not that easy. However you are right that going with child in tow to this guy while you are unemployed is no easy task. This will mean money out of his pocket and the day you have a fight (which is inevitable in any relationship) you will have the lower hand and you will be held to ransom coz you have nowhere to go. The unfortunate bthing about life is that it does not have a formula book. At the end of the day it is only YOU who can make certain decisions based on what you know about your man, maybe he is not the usual creature man as we are all purpotted to be. If he is in SA knowing the arrangements there, and he is not yet living with another woman, it might indicate he is an honest chap. You might find it worthwhile taking a risk and moving in with him. Pammy and I are obviously not in Zim so we do not the pinch of the hardships there that might also be pushing you to want something better for your son. Good luck anyway.
Pammy and Abel
You guys are the sweetest. I really appreciate your advice and the fact that you dont judge. I dont live with my son so I wont take him with me initially but I will only take him after I am settled, with a job. So far my man has been quiet for a few weeks after I accepted his offer to stay with him so I will be filling you in on what happens. Pammy, I know these men dont want to wait for sex so I will have to make some very hard decisions. Judging from what I have seen I think he is very financially sound and Im relying on his networking to get a job as fast as possible. He seems to be the kind of man who wants a woman who will bring something home as well so I know he will try and get me employed as soon as I land. He has two kids with two different women down in SA and the kids visit him once every month. We have dated for a year now and we really been together like 3 times when he came down. The situation here is so bad that I want to get away and make a life for myself. I cant even afford to live with my son so lives with his partenal grandparents and I know they may want to cling onto him but eventually I want to take him.
Pragmatism. Go to SA by yourself. Leave the child at “home” with the in-laws until you have managed to create a safe haven for yourself first coz things can go pear-shaped in SA. If the dude has been in SA for a while and you been in Zim at the same time, then technically you guys have not dated for the year you allude to. This is yo time to do the dating thing. **** useless culture bull**** as long as you use every brain cell you have. Even akazokuramba time time who will know 500 miles away when you then move??? By then you will know SA life and hopefully unenge wave kucontributa to the rent etc…sorry just highlighting the worst possible scenario but then again….**** happens. Alternatively, he will marry you all and sundry and you will all live happily ever after in a land far far away!
In fact go asap and dont put yo eggs in this stupid deal which only means mugabe can still prance around with a 200-car motorcade. Or ungafe nenzara
Ketai…… so cynical… dang!!!
AS THE WORLD MOVES ON
AS SOCIETY MOVES ON
VALUES CHANGE,
CHAI SEMIWA CHAVE KUITWA, CHAISEKWA CHAVE KUKURIDZIRWA
BUT
MWARI HAA CHINJE
SHOKO RAKE HARI CHINJE
KANA MESE MUKA TAURA NECHIRUNGU, SLANG SWEARING, AND WHAT HAVE U. IYE HAACHINJE. MESE MUCHAFA, IYE HAA CHINJE, MUCHA CHEMBERA, IYE HAA CHINJE, MUCHA CHINJA PFUNGWA, IYE HAA CHINJE, MUCHA CHINJA FASHION, IYE HAA CHINJE,
HAA SANDUKE ASI VANHU VANO SANDUKA
Kana varume vave kuroora varume
IYE HAACHINJE
Kana vana sikana vasisa koshese miviri yavo
IYE HAACHINJE
Kana varume vachi siya mhuri vachiti vakadzi avo “my babymother”
IYE HAACHINJE
Kana kunyepa kwave kukuridzirwa
IYE HAACHINJE
Kana vanhu vachi imba zvino nyadzisira
IYE HAACHINJE
Kana vanhu vachituka vabereki
IYE HAACHINJE
YOU SEE MY FRIENDS WHAT WAS IMMORAL YESTERADY IS MORAL TODAY, BECAUSE SOCIETY EVOLVES,
BUT DONT THINK THAT ZVAUINE KA FLAT KAKO, NEKA BMW, WAVE KUZIVA ZVAKA NAKA.
CHOKWADI CHAICHO HACHI SANDUKE. KANA ZVIKA DINI.
A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME IS STILL A ROSE.
i enjoy reading these postings, are these specifically for Shona speaking or any african who read and write. the debate are worthy debating, but i happened to lose some points written in Shona, or maybe i am in wrong train.