I know a couple of men started muttering when they came across this topic: “what is up with Pamela and these kinds of topics?”. Yes, I know I have approached this topic from several tangents in different write ups -”men like wolves, small house problem etc”. But, I realized, that there is still a lot more I have to say about this.
Maybe, this will be my last write up on this, who knows? Okay, maybe till I come across something that ticks me off. Last week, I got a chance to talk to a guy friend of mine who I had lost contact with in years, and he let it slip that he knows that his daddy was cheating on his mother. I remember being in shock at the blase way he mentioned it.
I know African men cheating in most of their love/lust relationships isn’t a new thing but the tone that this was mentioned, made me realize that to many African men – CHEATING IS NOT A BIG DEAL! Having to deal with this onslaught of emotions, I decided that I need to discuss this with my co host and friend on radio. Bringing my co host – Mwangi on and chatting with several Africans who were logged on, I realized that these two rules seem to be quite true of our men:
a) African men WILL CHEAT.
b)There is a cultural expectation for these men to cheat, as there is a cultural expectation for African women to forgive them and take them back.
At first, I was in shock at this feedback, because I am being told that as women, I should not expect simple givens like trust and ‘fidelity in a truly ‘committed’ relationship. So, my question really, if the situation were the reverse, “should I expect my man to be blase about it?”. Yes, I can hear the chuckles of some of the men at that statement. We know men will not put up with a cheating partner. I would have taken this further and called for an open relationship but that is a topic for another day.
Let’s deal with the basic question: Why do African men cheat?
a) simple answer: because they can and they can get away with it.
b) complicated answer: because they want to explore something extra, greed, insecurity.
Now, back to the main topic at hand: how do you know your man is cheating?
a) He picks up an argument every time – nothing seems to please him. The main reason for this is because, he is looking for an opportunity to connect with his new, “connection with the classic line, I am so misunderstood aka she doesn’t understand me but you do”.
b) Erratic behavior
c) You come across condoms in his car, his wallet or you notice that there are missing condoms in the pack.
d) He suddenly becomes too nice. For example, if you have a miserly man and all of a sudden he starts buying you stuff like there is no tomorrow, he is doing that to assuage his guilt.
e) He doesn’t notice you in your sexy get up aka freakum dress.
f) He suddenly becomes experimental in the bedroom.
g) calls you by another woman’s name during that moment.
h) Spends all his spare time on the phone with a particular female friend.
i) Raises hypothetical questions like, “do you think it is possible to love more than one person at one time?”.
j) wants more sex
k) wants less sex or no sex
l) turns off his cell phone when he’s home or with you or goes outside to make his phone call.
m) charger problems/lost cell phone/lost charger – being the reason you can’t get a hold of him for days.
I will end by quoting an African man who states -”if he’s African,he’ll probably cheat” and if you are a virgin and you are dating an African man – he’s probably cheating.
By the way – men could we change the lines a bit, if I hear, I am so misunderstood one more time – I will literally scream. oh yes, emotional cheating is still cheating.
Pamela writes from Long Island, New York.
Till next time,
Pammy
This article is devoid of substance. Surely how can you say ‘if he is African’ he will cheat? Which race do you know that does not cheat? Why are you discussing this issue as if women do not cheat? Whom do men cheat with? Baboons? Men ceased to be the sole sex that cheats a century ago when society was still putting their movement under a lid. Today a woman can spend 8 hours at some work place and can meet several men whom she can have affairs with in pretty the same way that men do this. Even some house wives have been known to have sex orgies with ‘garden boys’ while husbands are at work far from home. Professional women nowadays can go for days, weeks, if not months attending workshops out of their countries leaving husbands behinds. It is during such expeditions that some women (just like men) get tempted into cheating.
I would prefer to talk of cheating partners as oppossed to ‘ men cheat’ or women cheat’
I think Pamela’s problem with the whole cheating situation is that it seems to be a cultural expectation. Many men do not seem worried about it. Do women cheat? Yes, they do. But are they blase about it? No, they aren’t!
What other substance are you looking for??
If truth be told,no woman can lift up her hand and declare that her hubby has never at any one point their life together cheated on her.Lets face it ladies our men have done it and they are still doing it.I guess itd just the norm with these men of ours ,we just have to accept them.
Hey Pammy, you’ve discussed this topic before, If I’m not forgetful. Whatever you might want to cheating, I don’t know. But let me warn you, if a woman is caught cheating, that’s the end of the relationship. So I bet you women also do the same if you like. If get your men cheating, why not ending the relationship???Even if I’m a cheat and I find my woman is cheating, I’ll end the relationship without hesitating.But the good news is a lot of women are comfortable with my cheating(this is tried and tested).
i am an african man .i cheat.even if i wasnot african i think i would still cheat.women be warned i am a cheat.i have at the moment 5 girlfriends ,3 in the same town and all zimbos.i have one in zimbabwe where i am going next week.1 if i dont count a certain woman who no matter what happens if i go to her house i will bed her.i have one about 1 hour train journey away and well i am a cheat.
what spurs me on?i dont know.i just love women .if it was acceptable i would probably line them up and have them openly but in this case they dont know about one another.only one who i have had longest suspects i am a cheat .the others either dont know or pretend not to suspect.is this because iam african?well maybe in a way its our upbringing which makes us view women diferent from other cultures.i dont know.
my issue though pamela is i have heard a lot of people say these are tell-tell signs that your man is cheating.i think that is wrong.you might just bring annimosity between couples for no reason.each affair has its own uniqueness and cracks show diferently.some idiot will start trying to fight their partner because she has seen these signs like no sex yet zvakapressa ,mukono uri kuedza madhiri achibondera.there are many reasons why a man can do the so called tell-tell signs when he is not cheating.like me if you dare touch my phone when it rings i will slap you whoever you be .not because of women but because i value each call and i dont want any call lost because the caller thinks its a wrong number.
in shona they say gona anagona wakevo.in my life i was cheated by two.one i have forgiven because she saved my life ie she is hiv positive and i am not.the other one even as i write i feel like choking her .i feel like grrrrr.akandidya akandicheater and is marrying someone who all along she was telling me is her nephew, ‘mwana wasisi vangu’.if you know of a wedding on the out skates of london a week before xmas then you got your hint
I AM 100% AFRICAN.
I DO NOT CHEAT. I DO NOT WANT TO.
AND THERE ARE PLENTY LIKE ME THAT I KNOW.
1. THIS GENERALISATION IS INSULTING TO ME.
2. THERE ARE SO MANY IDIOTS OUT THERE WHO DO UNSPEAKABLE THINGS AND HIDE BEHIND THE BANNER OF CULTURE. FOR EXAMPLE HOW CAN I ALLOW A BUNCH OF WOMEN TO PIN MY 8 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER (OR YOUNGER) DOWN TO THE FLOOR, IGNORE THE SCREAMS AND THE BLOOD WHILE THEY CUT HER CLITORIS IN THE NAME OF CULTURE.
IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND YOU ARE AN AFRICAN MAN AND YOU BELEIVE THAT IT IS RIGHT FOR YOU TO CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE AND PUT YOUR FAMILY THROUGH EMOTIONAL, FINANCIAL, AND SOCIOLOGICAL TRAUMAS. ………………….. URIMBWA.
[...] Could Your Man Be Cheating? [...]
Fascinating comments.
Lucas: I really do not know what to tell you.
Single boy: Hmm, maybe on air but I have not written about it with signs. All my other write ups that can be considered as being similar was about the small house and the player.
Single girl: Thanks for being honest. A lot of women read this stuff but don’t want to say anything. Do we have to accept it. I think NOT!!!
cde t.t.g.m thanks for bringing out something that pammy seems not to know, there are so many african men out there who do not cheat on their partners at all. i am one of them and i have been married for 15 years and have never set my foot out of my marriage boundaries. so there you have it pammy.
Why do African men cheat?
Pammy, what a controversial question and I would like to inform you that human beings cheat whether they are men or women. I guess what you can discuss is the difference in percentages of the group that cheat the more than the other and how or why.
As far as I know women cheat more than men because if, (especially speaking of married men like me), if women were to be sensitive enough not to cheat with someone else’s husband, the world will be a better place.
Guys that are not married do not cheat as much as married men and you know why?
It is because of women’s jealousy of the other woman that makes them target a married men and the assumption that married men are normally good in bed because they are no-longer nervous than the unmarried ones who panic during sex and wind up coming to early before a girl is satisfied.
Since I have been married and also from observing most of my married male friends and relatives, I have never seen a married man going on a hunt for woman to have sex with but it is always that woman that came to your son’s birthday party that wind up calling you and say, “can I meet you at so and so place I need your help with something”, and sometimes they go ahead and provoke you that I bet your wife will not allow you to come. Because they know a man has an ego whereby he want to feel that he is not controlled by his wife. So they put it across like that to stir a move.
In Diaspora they used Sadza or Mazondo as bait to lure married men. You here this, “pass by my house ndakubikira sadza nemazondo I know your wife cannot cook that”.
Please!! When you reach there she will be in a see through night gown and vaAdam vangu tongoita chindoendawo.
Wemen you are scandalous, although men are there ones that finally ask for something but you are the ones that create the conditions in which a man cannot back off. I know you will say does that mean you are weak and you cannot control your own emotions, no!! God created us to be visual when looking at things or women and not to judge from the heart. We see things visual and we get are attracted to it quickly.
God is not stupid you know. If he was to make men judge women according to the brain how many women do you think will be married by now? Probably only 30%. So women take advantage of men then flip the scrip on them that you are the one who is cheating.
Who is cheating who?
Just a point, especially to Pammy, MEN cheat irrespective of race, creed, religion, and sexual orientation and that’s it. This is coming from a man, so to make it seem that only African men cheat is rather ignoramus, (and you don’t strike me as the ignorant type Pammy) so nevertheless, let’s set the record straight, any man has the potential to cheat, and the same time not ALL African are guilty of infidelity.
For argument sake Pammy, next article; why don’y you look at women who cheat, whether they are black, white, asianic or whatever, can you honestly write and say you don’t know ANY woman who hasn’t or isn’t doing the dirty on her man? This is a door that swings both ways, let’s get talking love.
reminds me of the movie where a character says if god did not mean us to have so much sex he wouldn’t have given us so much sperm or something like that.so regai zvedu tidye zvinhu because eh huripo zve nhai.tozorega hwapera urume,kana hwapwa
Pamela,
wena sisi ungabosihlolela thina. I am an African man in Africa (not zim) and am honest, have not had sex with my wife for 6 months, and we both cool about it. She is pregnant and I love her. Is anything amiss there? I dont think so. I am healthy and I know if I can get another clean lady, of course I would love to have a lot of sex with her, but I am a responsible person.I am not single anymore, my wife knows that i am a sex maniac and she has no problem with 6 months of no sex. Please single ****(Pamela) get a husband and discover that sex is really not everything to relationships.
men cheat no matter where they are from
Simbimbino back again!!!!Got to say I kinda like your school of thought, esp. the “tell-take” signs of a cheating man, some arae just darn-right hilarious ( finite element of the truth in some of them!!), but point “F”; getting experimental in the boudoir, come on Pammy; humour me a bit with this! That doesn’t really mean anything, if he was going to try out freaky moves with you he would, plain & simple. So if he hasn’t is thus doing them with someone else, trust me girl the status quo with you & him will always remain, think of the madonna-whore complex: your man sees you as virginal & virtuos; not the type to be screaming obscenities & trying out the praying lotus from the karma sutra.
To turn that argument on it’s head, if he is not experimentive then the brother is dull and a useless lover, if he introduces new things now he is cheating!!Like I said; quite hilarious, do you still want to talk Pammy? (I do not mean that disrecpfully or in a challenging manner, just want to invite some debate; hopefully constructive).
Simbimbino back again!!!!Got to say I kinda like your school of thought, esp. the “tell-tale” signs of a cheating man, some are just darn-right hilarious ( finite element of the truth in some of them!!), but point “F”; getting experimental in the boudoir, come on Pammy; humour me a bit with this! That doesn’t really mean anything, if he was going to try out freaky moves with you: he would, plain & simple. So if he hasn’t and is thus doing them with someone else, trust me girl the status quo with you & him will always remain, think of the madonna-whore complex: your man sees you as virginal & virtuos; not the type to be screaming obscenities & trying out the praying lotus from the karma sutra.
To turn that argument on it’s head, if he is not experimentive then the brother is a dull and useless lover, if he introduces new things now he is cheating!!Like I said; quite hilarious, do you still want to talk Pammy? (I do not mean that disrespectfully or in a challenging manner, just want to invite some debate; hopefully constructive).
well said Cde T.T.G.M, & Border Gezi (zita rako chete muface) not all man are like that and generalising this issue is really an insult to REAL MAN. I am not afraid to leave my fon with my wife, she can scroll through all the message, nothing to fear. I can do the same on her phone.
To think that every man is a cheater is only trying to cover up the guilty conscience, dont do it, its bad, it destroys the family fibre and creates a generation of cheats. This should be the message Pam instead of promoting cheating under the culture banner. Its high time REAL man not MALEs start to take these things head on. Which culture promotes such behaviour, I don’t know honestly.
PAMMY DONT OVERGENERALISE ISSUES LIKE THAT- YU CONTRADICT YOSELF BY SAYING CONFLICTING ISSUES AT THE SAME TIME.
IT DOES US NO GUD TO SUPRESS AND TRUSH UR DIGNITY BCOZ OF SUCH BASELESS PHYLOSOPHIES- COME ON PAMMY,
SOME PEOPLLE CHIT , SOME DONT. IM NO CHEATER.
RESPECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ladies if your man has never cheated on you count yourself lucky ,most men out there
are cheating just that you havent found out.I also have caught my men cheating but at the back of my mind i know he is cheating,i havent seen the tell-tale signs whatsover but deep in my heart i have space left for that disapointment that i will feel when i discover that he is cheating.Thats why you have heard cases of HIV positive ladies saying that their hubbies have been faithful and loving and yet they dont understand how they got infected with HIV.Its because their hubbies have been cheating,so guys stop playing innocent and NEVER say NEVER,Women are so many men’s weakness ,one day you will get tempted and fall into the trap.Inga wani mapastors they also cant resist cheatin.
To all ladies all i can say is that everyday when your man leaves home make sure you pack 2 or 3 condoms in his wallet,i tell you they are very handy.Mine is now used to it and he never asks me why i do it.
To the ladies whose hubbies are in the diaspora and come home once in a while make sure you dont have unprotected sex with him before you go for HIV tests,no matter how often he comes home.
Single gal
Women out there cheat more than man. I have noticed this at work. Even in the rural areas I remeber we ran into a man and woman both married having it kumafuro. It was anembarassment to both parties. Saka iwe Single gal drop this syndrome of thinking cheating is only done by men. Women especially imi munoti makadzidza you are the culprits, kuda kunakirwa stireki.
Stupid article.
CDE TTGM, the world would do a lot more men like you. You seem like a guy with high moral standards. And not just because of this article. Your woman is blessed.
Another telltale sign that a man is cheating is…if he avoids going out to public places with you and he doesn’t want to introduce you to his parents and close friends.
And guys there is no need to try and justify……Most men do cheat, I’ve gone out with a pastor and a deacon before so I know what I’m talking about. And the fact that most men cheat with women does not mean that the percentages are the same. It just that most men cheat with fewer women.
Pammy I do believe that there are some men who cheat and hey not only African men do so, but men in general. Genuinly speaking some women cheat as well. Now get this pammy. I am working with this old Malawian man who stressed a point that i hailed a lot concerning married men who cheat. He said to me you young people do not actually know how to love each other. The reason why a man goes out to look for other women is that the wife does not have enough and good time with her hubby. Instead she has enough and good time with house jobs, children, her business or books. To that she attends very well. Kutiwo atambe naDad she feels disturbed a lot. Even kunogeza chaiko yes she says dad let’s go for a bath but in the tab one takes care of him or herself. ukada kumugeza anotoramba. Ladies shungu dzekubuda dzinopera kana mudzimai akapa muviri nerudo rwake rwese kumurume wake. gezanai mubath mupenengurane pese pese chitsve mubath imomo 2 or 3 rounds abude akaguta uone kana akatsvaga small house. ruchiva rwese rwunopera. Do not let your man be the one to start it everytime, also start it and do all those styles you can. if your man decides to spend the day with you only at home or out all that is required is to make love and to be happy. not to burst up family challenges or problems or to quarrel with each other and frankly speaking, zvekupopotera varume panguva dzakadai vakadzi munogona bvumaiwo apa. Manje kwamai Linda kuna “sorry sorry darling” chototsva. also after quarrelling with each other ngazvipere ipapo chototsva. musafuratirane mubed. kwamai linda hakuna chimwe chiriko but **** chete of which iwe mukadzi unaro rakafanana but mabatiro. so pammy i think you better swallow the pride and admit as well that vakadzi vanokonzeresawo cheating futi. your body is not yours but your hubby’s and his is yours too. murume haazombobudi futi believe it or not. itai zvinoita kuti tifarire kuswera nemi kwete kwamai linda
shuwa apo mataura daddy BEE. our ladies are not apetising at all. you get home its accusation upon accusation. its like boss at work demanding reports after reports. At wek its stress, at home its stress again, so ladies wat do u expect.the man needs a break. to relax and be free from stress. be provided for, pampered, etc.
Thank you Ruru for the nice comments.
Single Gal, There is a difference between cheating once (a mistake) AND Cheating all the time because you think its either ok or its your culture or you just dont see anything wrong with it.
the fisrt on is bad BUT thats not what we are discussing here!!!!!!!!
We are talking about the second one where men think it is their birthright to cheat on their spouses. Mixing the two is really trying to confuse the issue (Maybe the lines are blured in some people’s minds)
Okay example,
If you (XX) were to be caught speeding and you felt you had to because you were running late and you were the only one with the keys for the office. Would it be fair if you were to be compared to someone (ZZ) who habbitually likes to speed, who sees nothing wrong with it and even brags about it (Like some idiots I know) IN FACT THEY LOVE THE THRILL OF BREAKING THE LAW.
IF YOU WERE TO USE XX’S NAME IN DEFENSE OF ZZ IN COURT AND SAY “EVEN XX SPEEDS TOO” WOULD THAT BE A VALID ARGUMENT?
We are all human and are prone to making mistakes and errors in judgement but please vanhu musa kanganise nyaya iyi nevanhu vanoto on kuhura sechi Hero.
**** HARISI HERO
AND
HERO HAISI HERO.
NGATICHENGETEI PAKATI PEDU VANA VEVHU. TINODA KUKUNDA AIDS NE ZVESE ZVINO UYA NEKUDA KWE CHI****.
LOL
I MEANT TO SAY
HUURE HARISI HERO
&
HERO HAISI HUURE
IVAI NE WEEKEND YAKA NAKA HAMA DZANGU.
GOD BLESS!!!!1
The word cheat do not exist in my vocabulary. In fact, the secret is that if you admire beautiful ladies, make your wife beautiful, if you like those who put on those mini skirts, go and buy one for your wife in order to look like them. “No Jesus No Peace – Know Jesus Know Peace”
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm – I just had to make it 30 comments.
pammy you wanted 30 comments and your assignment is done is it?its ok you are far i would have loved to cheat you
I read in the Time magazine issue of 15 August 1994 (yes I have glue-pot memory), the cover story headed ” Infidelity: Is it in our genes?”. It appears so. The theory is if we are descendants of apes (some people’s looks make one consider it true), then we carry the genes of the dominant male who has sex with the most number of females. So it means, the majority of us were fathered by the dominant male (zimbombo!). We already carry the desire in our genes to bed as many as possible. I agree that most men cheat. It is not a race issue. It is across races. The only problem with the African male is that he normally cheats and talk in the bar! It is a “sign of virility”! But women cheat too. A lot! If you have slept with 50 women, count how many were married or in other relationships! But women keep silent about it.
Ini handisi muzukuru we GUDO hameno imi ana Mabasa.
Next thing you know munenge mave kuti haa Makudo anoba saka tese toda kuba.
C’mone
Comrade,
Gudo ndisahwira vakaramba kuchinja maitiro!
Ko vamwe zvavari kunzi vangenge MaBlack Mamba zvinoreva here kuti vana venyoka.
Here is a thought for you ………………..
Take your watch for examlpe.
if you were to take it apart is it possible that after a million shakes it can come together and be a watch again?
Or will it take someone who knows precisely where every component goes and what its use is?
Your watch can have a different colour shape or design depending on who made it and for what.
Some are dress watches, some are waterproof, Some are augmented and have several functions and some are plain simple. All because someone specifically made them that way to suit various uses and people.
Ther must be a word for this in every language spoken on earth “cheat”. It is not confined to the African man but is found on all continents and in both sexes. Cheating is brought on by many different causes. Relationships are a work unto themselves, they have to be worked upon but some people may become too lazy to do so and hence find a new fling who doesnt complain much because of the novelty of the condition, who will look upon you as perfect cause they are so deeply in love with you.
The truth is very easy to find but hard to face. PEOPLE GET BORED WITH EACH OTHER and that’s when work should begin. I have also noticed that some individuals change drastically from boy/girlfriend to husband/wife after marriage. The nice things they used to do for their partner disappear and out comes this monister who is never satisfied with whatever their partner’s condition – emotionally, financial and their plans for life. Murume anenge ave zibaba risingataurike naro. Amai vanenge vasisatsvodeke wotoita avekutaimira, Kuomera haaaa maone. Zvakawanda mufunge. Tinochinja muwanano umu.
well,as a man i think if you are in a healthy relationship and love you partner you dont cheat.I was recently in one relationship to which iwas not inlove but i respected her not to cheat.i was in a relationship to which iwas inlove but i due to frustrations i cheated etc.There is no r8 answer to it i think.People should be happy and with what they have got.Peace
who ever marries me is just wasting their time.inini i am a cheat.mese both varume and vakadzi vacho you all wish you could have more than what you heve and you only stick together because you think ‘what will people say’. eh of cause what will they say but who cares?
all this cheating and marriage are just creatures of the human mind.what we really should be doing like all animals is have it as soon as its ready and its the nearest.why feel guilty about a natural thing.problem is people are very good at restricting themselves into some uncomfortable corner for no reason at all.look at how people whose ancesstors used to walk around naked suddenly think its wrong to be scantly dressed.we are the most insincere dishonest,hypocrites and stupid article God ever made.the human race is.we donot know any better than any other sexually active creation.all the false standards we attach to our daily life are just what they are false.ibvai apa kwiranai makanyarara.wawaona akakunakira talk to her if she agrees rova **** wakafara you owe noone any celibacy.girls and women if you see a guy you want get him .dont waste your life drooling and drooling .give him unakirwe zvako iwe.zvinhu zvinonaka izvi .there is no such thing as cheating kani,umwe nemumwe ngaatapirirwe nenyama yake
lucas you make me lough, what of HIV and AIDS??
LUCAS, you are the one, oshili, ndayola – LO very bloody LOUD. I believe in open, honest relationships, open in that she tells you who she cheats with and you tell her who you cheat with, easier on the ladies emotions etc etc. Ngeenge owe shi tale nawa, its NOT THE CHEATING that gets to us, its the ENIGMA surrounding the cheating, the SUPRISE when we find out and REAL BAD STOMACH FEELING when the one who tells us is our best friend, or through an sms etc). Have an open relationship both doors swinging – but PROTECT yourselves. Once you have cheated enough, you close the relationship and then if either of you cheats then human beings are just one messed up species (for real).