Is it possible to have a purely friends with benefits relationship?
This is new for me but I have been vacillating between hatred, anger and resignation and I knew that if I didn’t put it out here and release it I will silently go mad. I am in my twenties, single and I have been in a ‘friends with benefits relationship for the past three years”.
Often times, I sit down and wonder – how I got myself into this? Was it love, infatuation, sense of invisibility or the fact that I thought I was too rational to get emotionally entangled.
Our problem started three years ago, we had been friends since our first day in high school. There was something about him that just drew me – maybe it was his ability to keep up with me or his sense of humor or the commonality of our backgrounds. He was another African face in a predominately Caucasian high school. I could just be myself around him. He was from a different African country than I was from but he was my best friend. .
Fast forward to Undergrad, we ended up in the same school, same department, same program – it was a given that we will remain friend. It seems our friendship got stronger until that fateful night when it all changed. It was new years eve and we had decided to hang out at a friend’s house party to bring in the new year. I really do not know if it was the alcohol or maybe it was that we were lonely since we didn’t have any partners at that moment. It was a given that we were going to have sex that night and we did.
Waking up the next morning, in his bedroom, knowing that I had slept with my best friend shook me to the core. How do I behave? How do I relate? Have the rules changed? Will I still be able to call him up to speak to him about my deepest and darkest thoughts? What do I do? I knew we had to talk. We spoke and we both decided that we were too young for any form of committed relationship – we wanted to have some fun. We made up our mind to keep it light and easy. But every time, we spent time alone, we ended up having sex with each other. We then decided that the best move was to keep our relationship light but to maintain our friendship but keep the sex going. I have to admit he is good in bed.
Now here I am, three years later, crying on my bed. Wondering how I could I have made such a mistake? How I could be so naive? Why had I never confronted him? I just found out – he is getting married to someone from his hometown – at least that will explain his sudden need to travel home during Christmas. He is getting married to a woman whom he claims he loves.
I am so hurt.
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this brings me back to the question:
a) is it possible to have a friend’s with benefits relationship without someone getting hurt?
b) who benefits the most from this scenario?
c) For women: how can you walk away from this scenario without getting hurt?
d) Is there any time when this is mutually beneficial?
e) What will you advice in this scenario?
f) is it possible to turn a relationship such as this to a real relationship?
Only Adults need reply, meaning, I don’t want to see words like hure, and other words that I don’t care to remember at 1 am in the morning. This isn’t my story but a story used with permission.
Till next time,
Pamela
Pamela writes out of Long Island New York.
Posted by Pamela Stitch
on January 5, 2009. Filed under Zweli Lunga's Blog.
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