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Children are a gift of God, we have been told and most Africans I know, accept that tenet and live by it. But what of when a child becomes a hook to hold a failing relationship together or ultimately force a man to get married? Yes, I see the look of shock on most of your faces.
I remember having a discussion with a good friend of mine about this issue and laughingly, he told me that many of the men in his family were forced to marry their current wives because these women claimed to be pregnant but after the marriage, the baby conveniently disappeared. I have spoken to many African men with whom I have asked the what if question, i.e, what if your current girlfriend told you she was pregnant – what will you do? The resounding answer I got was, I will marry her. But upon asking – what if the relationship does not work? All I got back was a resounding silence. I am sure many of you are wondering what is Pammy on about now? What does she expect people to do?
Well, being the eldest in my family, unfortunately or fortunately, I have baby sat many a young siblings and young cousins and so I know babies are no easy walk in the park. You have to have everything together in order to bring up a child appropriately. One of the most important things to have together is the emotional. Research has shown that a child that is brought up in a home that is not secure emotionally or otherwise grows up to be quite insecure (You can read up on this at this website:).
What does this mean? A child brought up where there is love between both parents is emotionally stronger than a child who grows up where there is no love between parents. One grows up more secure in who he/she is than the other. In addition to all this, children cause a lot of strain in a relationship. It is not strange to see new fathers having affairs because their wives attention is on the new child. Neither is it strange to hear of more arguments in families that have kids. Beyond the emotional, having kids is expensive. Yes, I just had to say that.
I know some of you, will ask if I have ever considered or played with the idea of having a child to improve a relationship. My answer is a resounding No. I believe in proper planning. Children are not toys, I believe they should be brought up in an environment that is completely welcoming towards them. Fortunately Jerrold Lee Shapiro, PhD, a clinical psychologist and chairman of the department of counseling psychology at Santa Clara University in California agrees with me and states that “whether a new baby brings spouses closer together or drives them apart has a lot to do with the pre-baby relationship” (webmd.com) .
For men, who are playing with the idea of getting a woman pregnant in order to make her stay (Yes, I have spoken to a couple of you), I say work on making your relationship stronger and then make that decision together. For women, who have no problems putting pin holes in condoms, or seducing the man to have sex with her with no protection on her most fertile days (cough, cough you know who you are), I say the joy of getting your own way in terms of marriage might thin in time. So, guys, keep love alive and keep everything in the up and up.
till next time,
Pammy
Pammy Pammy Pammy
On this topic there are two sides to the coin as you have stated it:
1. A man trying to get a girl pregnant so that they can get married because she is pregnant
2. A woman trying to get pregnant so that the guy can marry her because she is pregnant
A man trying to get a girl pregnant so that they can get married? That one is one in a million especially when we are talking about Zimbabwean guys. Zimbabwean man can never be that desperate to an extent of trying to get a girl pregnant so that she can marry me? Hell no!! Of course they are a few emotional losers who do not have self-esteem or who were not brought up in good and well natured families who can do that but rarely.
Let me tell you something about Zimbabwean men. Although here and there you can see some marrying a wrong person maybe for wrong reasons, but 90% of us we are very more cultural than you can ever imagine, and we select a woman to marry according to your character (hunhu) and cultural background.
This can be summed up as follows:
TOP TEN
- Honesty
- love
- trust
- communication
- respect
- commitment
- humor
- support
- compassion
- dependable
THE NEXT TWELVE
- openness
- kindness
- faith
- caring
- sensitivity
- tolerance
- fun loving
- generosity
- nurturing
- gentleness
- realistic
- interdependence.
A woman trying to get pregnant so that the guy can marry her because she is pregnant is the most popular one. I have seen that in every culture and country, I have seen it even in celebrities. I have been researching on that and they say most marriages (67%) started that way. I have seen guys that are close to me complaining the same thing where a woman will say she is on a pill only to find out that she was lying after getting pregnant.
In the Zimbabwean community women actually know that most Zimbabwean men are very sensitive to their kids, therefore we do not normal refuse responsibility and most often we do not want our kid to grow up in the hands of another man and we end up marrying the girl just for the sack of my kid. Of course there has to be love later on between you and the girl for the sack of the baby. You have to remember that love will always be there if your mind is in one place even if you have never dreamed of marrying the girl. If she was good enough to sleep with, why not marry her? Zimbabwean men we have a tendency of being reasonable people when it comes to responsibility and we love to take care of what is ours although we have a few among us who are opposite, but mostly we are very good fathers. I will put it at 75% of us.
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Hi,
Thanks for responding. Now question for you: if your girl came up to you and told you that she was pregnant for you but you know that she is definitely not wifey material will you go ahead and marry her or no…
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I will marry her for the sack of the kid, then I will have to work together with the girl to make a wife material. Let me tell you something Pammy, some people jsut come from families that are not just good to grow up in but when they meet good people out there they are willing to change. One thing every human being is able to is to adapt to new environment, if she is willing she will do but then if you come across some who are not willing then you will have to let it go and just visit your baby as much as you can or fight for the full custody.
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Pammy I don’t think you need the services of “some PHD student in America” to know that children are an important part of our community. Rather you need the advice of our elders on that matter. One thing that can’t stop marriage is poverty….(if you want research on this as well). Maybe love or’ unmarriable material’ etc but lyk what parks is saying, if there is no luv try to mould and shape up the girl to the kind you a happy with. WARNING TO ALL ZIMBO CHICKS: IF YOU LIE THAT YOU’RE ON A PILL BLAH BLAH THEN SUDDENLY YOU SAY YOU’RE PREGNANT, MY MOM WILL NOT LIKE THAT!.
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Parks: thanks for the honesty…
single boy: lol, which PhD student in America?? Hmm, so basically, you are saying that the research done in this area is not really relevant to the African family?? lol.
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I have noted that Zim ladies because of poverty prefer to get pregnant to get married. Am in the diaspora everytime i go home Masvingo a flock of ladies flink for lucky.If i fall for one the next romance day and you say sorry i do not have a condom she says ” i will use morning after” What a trap.!!As i write my friend in Australia is stuck with 3 wives in Zim.Zim people prefer babies.Most Zim guys first wife(s )are not the prefered choice or target but its because she fell pregnant and you had no options but kugara ne zundu mudanga! Hapana rudo.See how many guys in close country like Botswana still let their first wife stay in rural Gutu,Zaka,Chibi etc .Its because she was not the right one-but only got a kid faster and these kids tend to be 100% dad’s photocopy!!!!
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All I can say is girls and boys should not date somebody they think is not the marriable type. If you are dating a young girl, why have unprotected sex when you do not intent to have her as wife or why have sexual relationship with a man that one thinks is not man enough to be a hubby? Whats the purpose of dating? Being pregnant takes 2 and both parents should be prepared of such eventualities. Poison yakadirwa mutsime rinomwiwa nevanhu vese saka kutamba vanhu vachita unproteced sex is not wise let alon it can result in unwanted pregnancies. Kana wada zvekugara naye pabonde, then wotogara newaunoona kuti is marriable type nekuti haungaiti senyoka inongoruma ichisiya. Ndiani anoda akamborumwa akasiiwa iri tsime rave ne HIV?
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I think Any man who is willing to marry a woman he does not love is one to be counted. Loads of idiots are getting girls pregnant run away, then go around calling the poor lady a baby****.
our society doesnt need that.
The root of the problem is far deeper but still very simple and relevant (like it or not).
If you dont love someone DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH THEM. SIMPLE!!!
This will clear up a large proportion of this mess.
As a self respecting man. I made my mind up not to abuse any woman by pretending to like her just for sex. But the problem is much worse these days.
You get women who use men for sex as well (being an equal world). and the same applies. if you think the guy has no class, is ugly and smell but you happen to notice that he might be good for your pleasure, you end up pregaz then what ABORTION?
the research was right and i agree with singlaz, You dont need a phd to figure that out. If the relationship is in trouble work it out by yourslves first. Bringing a baby in the picture is not fair to the baby and will only make things worse.
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Pammy, I’m not saying its not 100% relevant but all I’m trying to say is its relative. Just like what Cde Z said, all possible outcomes and consequnces should be considered before we base our conclusion on research theries. This is not some newton law stuff which is constant,it depends with society, culture and etc. Moms thanks for the advice. Tell me gents, how many of use condoms on regular partners? I’ve discovered that a condom is practical on one night stand! Maybe pammy should do some research on this one???
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let us start by correcting one thing.the true saying is children are a gift from God and not a gift of God.there is not a difference of semantics but a real vast difference.children are God’s gift yet the way you put it would mean children are god’s gift of himself to us.as in children are godlness if there be such a word.so get that right first.
all children are a hook and there is nothing dirty about it.this is why a troubled marriage wife will say ndogarira vana vangu.i am in it for my children.this is why an old man will say he works for his children .children are a perpetual hook an excuse infinitum if you like.
i have 5 children all with different mothers and i will not marry a woman just because she says she is pregnant.she will just have my child and i will do as much as a father is expected to but i will not be forced into marriage by a product of a sexual encounter that might even be casual.nothing legally binds or connects chidbearing or child rearing to marriage anywhere.anyone can have children married or not.
these pseudo professors and their dodgy researches can not go unchallenged.a child is not necessarily shaped by the way he is raised.the greaatest research is mny african children who have graduated from chegudo school with no electricity to be the top industry gurus.the world is full of some of us vana vema**** vaisiyiwa tanwiswa cooking oil to sleep through the night and today am stronger in emotions and character than some of you vana vevafundisi.there are people who were raised by grandmums vachinwiswa muchaiwa kuti vadhakwe mbuya vaende kumaricho and today they excel in life as in professions.
in any case isn’t a child’s destiny shaped by God as in i knew you and chose you before you were conceived?insecure ?so whats wrong with being insecure anywhere?
these researches with no topics or publishing are normally just individual claims.they have no academic value and no basis.who said a child is better brought up when there is both parents and they are in love.saka single parent children have no chance.poligamous house children no chance?children raised by maids as in many migrant zimbos,no chance?some of these claims are miopic.goes on to say the child will be more emotionally strong.what does that mean then .whats emotional strength and what does it help a chid with?.then pamela you claim kuti you are planning.i am a bad boy and i will say it as it is.there is other possibilities.its either hauzvari or you have not met one who has hit you mberi mberi.its no point claiming you are still planning.have you never had sex without protection?some lies are just too plain.the tagedy is you know why you have no child and you just want to sound academic.every woman craves for motherhood.you will die without a baby or end up carrying a baby for a junky in desperation.
i bet and swear by my grandmum’s pant , there is no man who will try to make a woman pregnant hoping to keep her in the relationship.women do that but unfortunately thats one of those few things that men dont share half half with women
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but if i were to respond to your topic as a question then yes children make marriages more worth while.people mature and do things for reason where they have children.even playboy fathers leave work and go home to baby sit if there is noone else.
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I have to agree lucas mbambo.Even here in the United States no man would impregnate a woman for the sole reason to trap her inside a relationship.For 2 obvious reasons.Number one abortions are legal here and the woman would just terminate the pregnancy anyway if she didnt want it.2 if she did have the baby a man here would get to look foward to 600USD in child support every month for 18 years or go to prison(yes they enforce that here…even if its 20 years later they get you)I have been married for 8 years and have 3 children and it has certainly strengthened our marriage.But we live in the modern age and knocking a woman up is no longer a reason to get married.Though i have to admit a child with both parents have a higher chance to succeed as a adult.
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Plus casual unprotected sex in Zimbabwe is suicidal….babies aside 1 in 7 people carry HIV in Zimbabwe not worth it.In America over 1 million people are Hiv positive but its no longer a death sentence here as antiviral regiments allow you to live indefinitely with the virus.Even with that people here wrap it up.Safe Sex man its the way to go
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kuhura ndiko kunonetsa vahu.
Why cant people aspire to be starightforward, honest, and faithful. To marry and have kids and be happy. Instead we glorify promiscuity and give it all sorts of names.
Thats why we have all these problems
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the problem is people will always claim he marry and have kids and be happy but is it true
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parks papindwanenyoka
you are not serious man, u can marry a girl who is not wifey material just because she is pregnant, unofa shamwari but no man can impregnant a girl to make her marry him, but kungokaurisa, man do it, anongobora condom knowing full well kuti kababe kacho kasimbi, very beautiful kungoka dzikisira
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you do not get everything mu marriage, let say the truth, vakadzi vedu ava havadi kuita experiment, worse still anorara akapfeka g string ne blouse, pluz akasunga musoro kunge nyoka yakapfeka dhuku, unotoita zvekuhwandira kuti unoewo tumwe tunhu paari, saka ndipo patinoenda ku mahu** kwaunopihwa zvese and handi kunakidzwa ikoko, am not saying evryone must go there,
vakadzi vechishona pliz improve kana mapinda mumba, fambai musina kusimira mumba mese kana kubika, thats the only way the relationship can improve kwete vana, vanongopawo respect and maturity to the rela
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