Posted by Most girls grew up reading stories about Snow White, Cinderella and what have you. The image that grew in our minds is that, “one day we will meet the prince of all prince”, this guy with physical and mental abilities will sweep us off our feet and take us to a palace where we will live happily ever after. 19 years or more later, many are still seeking, some have found a prince, many have married princes turned toads.
This week was one in I had to re contemplate on that word, “marriage” – what does it actually mean? What meaning has it taken in today’s society?. I was really saddened to read a couple of sad stories on blog ville. It made me ask again, “how do we know that love is over?”. “How do we know that it is time to cut the knot?”. “When is it okay to take that plunge and move on”.
A couple of months ago, I made the mistake of calling a good friend of mine at home when her husband was around. For months, I will ask ‘how hubby dey?’ – She will avoid my questions. I thought maybe it was a little patch, that most people in relationships have. I called her that day and I heard her husband yelling on the phone.
Now, we know that our African men can yell (pls, women talk true) but this yelling wasn’t a normal one. You could hear that this man did not hold her in high esteem. He had no respect for her. It made me wonder what else could be taking place in that home. I wondered why she was in such a relationship? Why didn’t she cut out? Go for marriage counseling if this man was the love of her life – I know he isn’t but that is a story for another day. Or then, maybe I am over reacting…..
I know for many African women, there is a badge that we hold proudly in being a Mrs. Somebody. We say , ‘oh yes’, that is our husband with such pride as if we won such a huge battle or something but there are times to go it alone and times that it is okay to start afresh again. Moving from being a Mrs (in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship) to starting afresh as a Miss or Ms is fine, as long as you can look at yourself and just breathe.
Question For You?
What will you do if you had a friend in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, will you just be there for them or will you try to get them out of it?
Such school of thought is totally unacceptable in our society.It is because of people like Pamela that AIDS is wrecking havoc ,how could you encourage divorces instead ,l believe the fact that someone marries a woman it means hes got a soft spot for that person thus whats needed is for people to iron out their differences by communication be it verbally or gestures such as buying presents. I would like to warn my fellow Zimbabwean women not to take advice from people like Pamela who have failed in their own marriages due to pride.Pamela stop spreading your sluttish attitude to our women.Okay!
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Douglas my brother, it’s not about zim women or women from another country or continent. It is about respecting each other in a family (as husband and wife). Pam might have been one sided in talking about abusive husbands but still I agree with her. I work with women who are so afraid of their husbands to such an extent that they display two totally different personalities (depending on whether their husbands are present or not). I think when you decide to marry it is because of a “soft spot” – the biggest question is what happens to the soft spot once in the house – why cant a woman talk to friends or better still have friends? this topic will go ion and on but in conclusion I would urge you Doug not to brand any other view as coming from a slut – she is human and has feelings and we can not use her past/present status to judge her arguments. I cant speak for all men but on my own behalf – sorry Pam for the harsh words expressed by my fellow brother.
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hmmmm, after reading what Douglas had to say, I was like Wow! Wow!…Sweetie, you don’t know me like that.
That said, if you decide to clear your mind (hoping here that u are befuddled by beer and the beer is what was typing) and read the text again, you will notice that I raise valid points.
This post is about domestic and often time emotional violence that takes place in the home. When is it right for a woman to say enough! What of emotional scars? I have always found it fascinating the way Africans brush off the emotional and tell themselves that those scars or tears are not relevant and only the visible scars matter.
I will keep on typing the message that women should know themselves before they tie themselves and that marriage is not the end all and be all of existence. If that message bothers you, please do not read my post.
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Josh, I have seen those kinds of women that you mention. The kinds that have two faces – one for their significant others and one for others. Women who live in fear of their significant others and we cannot pretend that those stories do not exist in other to save face.
You brought up a lot of valid points. Thank you for reading for my article…..
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i like your blog Pamms, keep it up babe, such people like Doglous are the same abusive men who believe woman should have no voice at all. HIV and AIDS is spreading because of that very issue that we shouldn’t talk about gender imbalances which exist in our cultures. On top of that we should also talk openly about sex education thus helping us to make open choices not assumptions and so-called body languages all the time. To my fellow men,i say lets fight our common enermy-hiv by embracing n valuing our wives,chances of infidelity are very high when you don’t love your wife. Keep it up gel, i enjoy your blog
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Hi Pam
I really love ur blogs and often l just read but today l gotta contribute.
lam a survivor of domestic violence.
to start off with,the woman wont always take advice from anyone but u gotta try and have a word…becoz they always feel that they are the ones wrong,becoz they are told so by their patners.ln the end what they r trying to do is do something right in the r/ship and get the approval of that patner.Unfortunately this never happens as there is always something wrong that they will do.
For a longtime l thot and felt that l was such a bad person,but it wasnt me.It was the other person.When u r in the r/ship u dont see what others see and u may ask,if the beatings are there all the time y not get out?
violence and abuse come in diff form:physical,emotional,finacial,psychological etc and u become disturbed within urself.And the first thing an abusive patner does is isolate u from every1.u then feel u dont belong anywhere and no1 would accept u.Hence u put the faces like Josh said.
it aint about encouraging a divorce but the bible says man should protect/look after their wives.So how is she to feel safe when the very person meant to protect her is destroying them.
It should also be understood that abuse is not only to women,men do go thru it as well.
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Maita: thank you for telling your story. You are a survivor! I am glad you brought the biblical perspective into this. Thank you again.
Michael: thank you again…
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How Come I missed this topic?
Pammy please try and re-launch it.
Abuse is no good. We all went through it one way or another. Some of us grew up in these single income homes where the father was the sole-bread-winner. The sad part was that this was on the father’s say so. So when he found a hu-re he would disappear from the home for weeks leaving the family in Agony. Whenever the mother found a job the father would stomp his feet and say no.thats just one form of abuse that women go through. Even today some idiots do this to the women they are supposed to love and cherish. The very ones that bear children, prepare food, provide sex, make a home etc…… DISGUSTING!
ABUSE is such a broad subject beacuse it takes so many forms. The BIBLE say husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it. Christ love the church so much that he died for it. If we as men do not make sacrifices for our families then who are we sacrificing to? Some idiots have more loyalty to Arsenal than their families.
If I had a friend going throuh abuse I would try to get (dependeing on the relationship) them help in as many ways as possible prayer being the first one. But also in practical ways (faith without works is dead) such as encouraging them to talk and seek proffessional help and one simple but effective thing is making sure that they know and understand that you are there for them and that you care. That in itself speaks volumes.
But if you find that the loved ones health or life is being threatened by the abusive and unrepentand partner then maybe you might look at divorce. It is a hard thing but there is no point in staying in a harmful situation or envoronment for the sake of trying to do the right thing. Remember GOD is love he loves you he too does not want someone else especially the one he entrusted to look after you to be the one who harms you instaed.
IN SIMPLE TERMS IF HE IS BEATING YOU DAILY. LEAVE HIM. RUN.SAVE YOURSELF. IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN THINK ABOUT THE EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE THAT THEY ARE INCURRING BY YOU STAYING IN THAT SITUATION. RUN
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The other thing is that we MUST allow each other to express our opinions without being overly abusive. The fact that you disagree with Pammy does not make her a slut. She just happens to see things differently from you Dhagi.
The mere fact that you were enraged by her independance to the point of uttering such a harsh statement seems to suggest that you have a difficulty in handling disagreements. One woners weather you would be able to tolerate your wife were she to start thinking and exressing herself in such a way as to provoke new lines of thoudgt in your mind. Would you beat her Dhagi? Would you shout at her Dhagi?
heh Dhagi? would you call her a slut if her friend was being butchered by her husband and she suggested divorce?
Aiwa ka Dhagi pindura!
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ko dhagarasi aripo here apo?
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evry relationshp must b reciprokal,if d man z owez takin d lead it’ll hv som future prblemz cz he’ll b more lyk ur voice n u’r voicless,so wn u r voiceless u cn suffer a lot of abuses n stil lie 2 urself dat its gwan change,wel it wont change if u kip silent,no body language ds tym,”speak aloud”stop dependin completely on ur voice wc made u voiceless.Pammy evaluate ur statements nxt tym or it’ll look lyk u r tekin sidez,u’r nt vry wrong tho.
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