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This is new for me but I have been vacillating between hatred, anger and resignation and I knew that if I didn’t put it out here and release it I will silently go mad. I am in my twenties, single and I have been in a ‘friends with benefits relationship for the past three years”.
Often times, I sit down and wonder – how I got myself into this? Was it love, infatuation, sense of invisibility or the fact that I thought I was too rational to get emotionally entangled.
Our problem started three years ago, we had been friends since our first day in high school. There was something about him that just drew me – maybe it was his ability to keep up with me or his sense of humor or the commonality of our backgrounds. He was another African face in a predominately Caucasian high school. I could just be myself around him. He was from a different African country than I was from but he was my best friend. .
Fast forward to Undergrad, we ended up in the same school, same department, same program – it was a given that we will remain friend. It seems our friendship got stronger until that fateful night when it all changed. It was new years eve and we had decided to hang out at a friend’s house party to bring in the new year. I really do not know if it was the alcohol or maybe it was that we were lonely since we didn’t have any partners at that moment. It was a given that we were going to have sex that night and we did.
Waking up the next morning, in his bedroom, knowing that I had slept with my best friend shook me to the core. How do I behave? How do I relate? Have the rules changed? Will I still be able to call him up to speak to him about my deepest and darkest thoughts? What do I do? I knew we had to talk. We spoke and we both decided that we were too young for any form of committed relationship – we wanted to have some fun. We made up our mind to keep it light and easy. But every time, we spent time alone, we ended up having sex with each other. We then decided that the best move was to keep our relationship light but to maintain our friendship but keep the sex going. I have to admit he is good in bed.
Now here I am, three years later, crying on my bed. Wondering how I could I have made such a mistake? How I could be so naive? Why had I never confronted him? I just found out – he is getting married to someone from his hometown – at least that will explain his sudden need to travel home during Christmas. He is getting married to a woman whom he claims he loves.
I am so hurt.
—————-
this brings me back to the question:
a) is it possible to have a friend’s with benefits relationship without someone getting hurt?
b) who benefits the most from this scenario?
c) For women: how can you walk away from this scenario without getting hurt?
d) Is there any time when this is mutually beneficial?
e) What will you advice in this scenario?
f) is it possible to turn a relationship such as this to a real relationship?
Only Adults need reply, meaning, I don’t want to see words like hure, and other words that I don’t care to remember at 1 am in the morning. This isn’t my story but a story used with permission.
Till next time,
Pamela
Pamela writes out of Long Island New York.
The paradigm of such a futility relationship amongst us Africans seems to have grown to alarming levels.However needless to say the least, A relationship is born when the observer and the observed get into a relation through an emotional or interlectual association. He who pays the piper dictates the tune and in most if not all cases, man would appreciate the idea of keeping it safe and light.You all benefited out of the venture,however somebody was taking a cue for investment purposes.In other words you all got what you wanted and that was sex,but your sex pal did not put his minds at bay
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Pam,
A man and a woman can become great friends for life PROVIDED they deal with one question that will always arise: SEX. How you deal with it determines the friendship! I have been there myself. Have done it and have had the same pain. It is part of life. The worst is that you will now lose a Friend and Great Sex. With such friends, we tend to get closer than we will ever do in our marriage. Wait and see, he will be back for better sex and miss that great shoulder to cry on!
Ibara ramhanywa…the arrow has left the quiver!
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Yaah, inotambika (it happens)
a) it is not possible to have “such friendship” without touching on feelings – case in-point – Your Case. One is bound to be hurt. Best – do blame no-one. Its time to say “Phew!! – let me move on”
b) You both benefitted on this – only the other part had plans for the future. You probably have but they got to be different in this case.
c) Well can’t answer for women – but I suggest quickly focus on something else (your beauty, etc) something that will see you drifting off from this kinda of situation.
d) and e) You both benefitted, turn your attention to something else (avoid meeting him after his wedding – you risk another “quick-one”, after that just continue avoinding him – untill you remove the last trace of his “elements” in your blood)
f) the testimony is apparent – your case proves that it is one in say two or three relationships that one can turn this into a life-long relationship.
Phew! here i have done it.
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The awful truth is men have got their heart between their legs and women have theirs in the heart.We need nothing more than a satisified heart in our lives. If man gets sex, that’s not the end of life. With women, they seem to have this thing in them that bonds feelings and sex. Be warned that’s not the case with men! Back to your questions
a) For a man its possible, but for a women its not the case.Women need love more than sex, men need sex more than love.
b) Its the man because he can now focus on the future while taking care of this horny business.
c) as a women you’ll surely be hurt. Now I don’t know how you can deal with that…
d) I’m not sure but as a man I will like it.
e) Find a way of forgetting it NB:finding another man for a quick one will hurt you more!
f) It depends with the man. As soon as a woman starts having sex, she’s now a bit seroius in the relationship. If the man decides that you’re the one, sure it will be turned into something nice.
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i have noticed that zimbabwean women tend to believe that a man and a woman can not be friends and date at the same time….and yet in the end, as we grow older, we seek companionship which means we really want to spend the rest of our lives with someone who understands us, gets us, makes us laugh, keeps up with us – in other words, despite the denial, we really want to spend the rest of our lives with our friend. if you cant get your mind wrapped around that concept, you will always have the “friends cant be lovers” problem.
This is where it went wrong:
“Waking up the next morning, in his bedroom, knowing that I had slept with my best friend shook me to the core. How do I behave? How do I relate? Have the rules changed? Will I still be able to call him up to speak to him about my deepest and darkest thoughts?”
instead of embracing the relationship and relishing in the fact that you had found someone who you actually liked being around, you decided to push him away. he then took that to mean that you were not interested in a real relationship which gave him license to find someone else.
this has happened to me too – i met a woman who i really got along with but she took our friendship to mean that we could never be lovers – so in the end i moved on. she later tried to come back and rekindle things but i had my mind set on someone else.
consider this: do you really want to spend your life with some guy who doesnt understand you, some guy who doesnt get you ? – i doubt it, so stop fighting the friendship – friendship is good thing to have in a relationship…..and if you fight against friendship, then you will always be giving the men wrong signals and they will leave.
finally, have you tried telling this guy how you really feel? maybe he feels the same way but he just thought you never wanted anything serious.
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Friends with benefits has always been a contentious subject. Pam, am sorry to say this but you can’t run away from obscene comments like **** or whore in trying to explain this litigious issue.
This act is only associtaed with loose people and I cannot worst my time trying to defend or solemnise something I know is utter nonsense abi nitio. Once you have fallen trap of this, repent at once. Amen. Once beaten twice shy, period!!! If you let this obscene act continue, you are sowing dangerous seeds for the future generation where “mother and son with benefits” will be a subject to debate on!
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Pammy sha, you must know that us men are predators by nature. We may be friends yes but one day inozongomira chete and all hell will break loose so this friends thing I think is too artificial.
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No matter how nice or comprehensive one can put it, it is next to impossible to have a female friend who does not stimulate you sexually. Traditionally, to say uyu ishamwari yangu iwe uri murume uchidaro kumukadzi, is interpreted to mean she is your sexual companion. Murume and mukadzi havashamwridzane. That kind if an association is deemed an occasion leading to sexual intimacy. On the other hand we men are always if I can exagerate and generalize charged so any feminine move tinkles us. So these kinds of friendship are treated cautiosly.
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It all depends on what sort of values you hold.
I have seen cousins who ‘help’ each other in this way. What more unrelated people. Remember for you to call someone a friend, you have to like them, some people become friends because they are undecided about the other person.
So methinks it is important to ask yourself why you hang around someone and be really honest with yourself. If you are unsure with the answer ……..trouble.
My theory is …. If you do not understand the purpose of anything at your dispoal then you are most likely GOING TO ABUSE IT.
That is what I see here.
Friendship is a good way to start long lasting relationships that can lead to better things. My wife was my best friend for a long time before we decided to take our relationship to another level. And I never touched her inappropriately when we were friends.
What these ‘F’ buddies or sex buddies do is that they too take friendship to another level but a perveted one. By so doing you both undermine each others ability to maintain
a) a clean relationship with members of the opposite sex.
b) a trusting relationship with future partners.(just imagine if your present partner finds out you used to have a sex buddy, would they freely let you go for lunch with a member of the opposite sex
tomorrow?) Just imagine guys if you were to find that you gal used to have a friend who was not even her boyfriend but had speacial access to pantyville. Would you be comfortable if she tells you “Honey I’m working late tonight and I will have dinner with William from accounts afterwards”
The sad thing is that men think they are the ones benefitting from such escapades. But the truth is that they too are loosing something much more precious. Responsibility. They lose that part of them that says “Relationships have ups and downs I will work on mine when its down and enjoy it when it is up”
How you may ask me? Because they like some have said above are ruled by the wrong part of their anatomy. They are like kids in a candy shop. soon as Lucy starts acting up, Rachel is there ready and willing to give what he wants, and if Rachel starts, Sirivhiya is there too. How can you expect such an imbecile to act responsibly and be a father?
Now back to the questions.
A) Is it possible? Yes it depends on the people involved.
B)who benefits the most? It also depends on the circumstances and the people involved. Most people think it is the women who lose but these days ………No women are in control too She could very well be using you for her pleasure while your sorry behind thinks it is in love.
C) for women and men walking away is the best thing to do HURT OR NOT. Because this scenario is not true love if that is what you are looking for.
D) Where sex is involved, keep your treasure safe. It is too important to give to someone who is not willing to be there for the resrt of its hosts needs and life.
E) In the scenario described above. …….Easier said than done. Move on with your life my sister. True love is waiting for you somewhere Right now focus on your career and your family back home needs you too. If you stabilise yourself careewise you will have more to offer to Mr Right, your family and country, even to GOD.
Now allow bhudhi to be a bit stern ………NEXT TIME SISI DO NOT OPEN FOR ANYONE NOT COMMITTED TO YOU NHAIKA?
F) can a relationship like this be turned into a real one? The eternal optimist in me says Yes. Only by being open with each other and talking it out. BUT do not keep giving if what you want is not what the other person wants. It can easily lead to manipulation which is not good. If undecidedness persists or better still if you begin to feel uncomfortable with such an arrangement, It is an indication that you are coming to your senses that maybe you have been lying to yourself about what you want out of a relationship. WALK AWAY IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE BEING USED BY SOMEONE NOT REALLY IN IN LOVE WITH YOU.
PAMBERI NE RUDO.
BOOM
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Imagine you meet this gorgeous girl who is to die for. You become friends and she lets you have access to patnyville. She then explains to you that she only lets you because you such a nice guy but she just wants to be friends and will only pressure you for sex if you are willing and available and extends the same rules the other way . She hangs out with you and your friends and althogh people have suspicions they too believe you are just clingy friends.
Men she will call you on a Saturday night when you and your pals are going out for a mens night out. She purrs her desires on the phone like a lady, you know the not so obvious but obvious booty call that only a sophisticated intelligent woman can make. Before you know it you become Mr unreliable to your buddies. But you dont care you are getting some mind blowing, unbeleivable sex thats getting smiling to yourself at work. You start to think mmm I love this girl.
Then suddenly the calls stop. Your calls are not getting answered. After some time she calls and asks to meet you for lunch. You hurry there and at the table she sits dressed the most beautiful but simplest dress you have ever seen. Next to here this Ellegant Adonis with a style and ease that you only dream about you the kinda style you hope one day to have. The two of them look so in love the only thing missing from them is some white flowers in their hair.
You sit down and she Starts. Hi Ricky you look cool today how are youuuuuuuuuu? Greg this is Ricky he is the nicest guy ever. Rick I called you here to meet my boyfriend he has been living in singapore for a while with work commitments…………………………………………………..
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Just going to keep it simple:
It is possible to have friends-with-benefits relationships but this is only possible in an atmosphere devoid of certain shall I say archaic, traditional, African beliefs and prejudices especially about single women getting some. That oh-so-frequent-but-yet-so-overplayed call that “she is a whore or such-and-such just because she is having sex with someone who is not her boyfriend” or “they are not in a relationship but knock boots”.
So you will find with exposure to other cultures, I’ve had the same relationships with women, of a different race and culture to mine, we’ve gotten along fine and on my part I didn’t want to breach the subject of “are we going out?” or what for fear it would seem like I’m laying claim/exclusivity to her. In time her silence led me to believe it was what she wanted and I really didn’t want to be in a relationship.
The problem comes about when one party changes focus. In your case, the guy decided to get married and not to you. So you feel anger and sadness that how could he have become close to someone else. So close infact that he is marrying them, when you were right there all along, under him, in bed and he could have gotten closer to you than with this said fiance? In my case, it was “do I see other women (of the same friends-with-benefits calibre) or only see her?”
It’s all in communication I suppose but education (in itself, this means exposure to other ways of life, cultures, of doing things) makes such relationships possible. If you consider places like Europe where professional people are getting to the age of 40 still single then you see it is to be expected that you want to get some but not get hooked up as well. I have so many lady friends whom I get along with and if it ever got to knocking boots, I wouldn’t expect to first ask them out but so long she knows we can still talk about it or anything else afterwards. I only wish the African sisters saw it this way as well because hey….I still think there is nothing more sexier than our sisters. The western ladies have the sexual liberations and freedoms but not the bodies and the African sisters have the hips and swinging bottoms and chocolate skin to die for but not the sexual mentality of the western women. Life is a bitch sometimes.
One question I could pose to you is: do you notice the relationship between the friends with benefits phenomena and levels of education in a society? Would this happen to a people who are shut to other cultures (e.g the Khoi-San of Botswana or the Inuits of Canada/Alaska or even the Pacific islanders?) Those who say it is wrong or call you names are usually those with the least amount of exposure – to both education and alternative cultures….
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All my life I had so many opposite sex friends, some who come in my house to sleep over but we never have sex. Some of them were teasing me after I got married that they thought I was gay since I never initiated sex. Some were thanking me for respecting them. At one time I have this Zim girl who was working in Connecticut, did not have accommodation in New York City, she was pregnanted by this mean Zim dude and he dumped her. I took her in my apartment, no sex and she went for an abortion, still no sex. She was in my house for 3 weeks but no sex.
But most men I know they cannot do it, so I do not feel comfortable seeing my wife with a male friend. I used to go to clubs in Manhattan with a group of girls, some sleep over at my house but no sex.
I think its a choice you make to sleep with friends.
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Ah … I’ve asked that question lots of times. My initial answer would be yes but after trying it out my answer will be no. Someone always gets hurts.
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Ashley wwandinyadzisa
You said education exposes you to other ways and cultures, then you mentioned Europe, and ‘Africa beliefs’
Your statements seem to imply that Africans are backeward and uneducated. For your information there are a lot of highly eaducated, well travelled and wealthy Western people who hold those same views. It is not about where you come from or education per se but rather about the values an individual or group holds dear. Thats why you find Conservatives vs Liberals in the UK and Republicans vs Democrats in the states. Or Religious vs Non relious all of which are educated well travelled and wealthy.
Labling such things as Afican is very dangerous indeed. If you a Zimbo, an African holds such negative views on Afica, What about some ignorant Westerner who has never been to Africa.
There is nothing wrong with having conservative values. If we are predominantly conservative in Africa then I for one am very proud. Society is going down the drain in the name of so called Morden ways. Thank God there is still a place where girls are not getting bullied or called names because they are virgins, where young women are encouraged to dress conservatively as they walk about.
Thank god there is a place where people who empregnate each other are at least encouraged to marry.
PAMBERI NE AFRICA
PASI NEVANO SHORA AFRICA
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THE OTHER POINT IS
I STRONGLY OPPOSE THE LABLE ‘AFRICAN’ SIMPLY BECAUSE AFRICA IS SO VAST IN SIZE AND CULTURE. I AM AMAZED AT THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO GO AROUND SAYING THINGS LIKE ” IN AFRICA WE HAVE A SAYING” INSTEAD OF SAYING IN NIGERIA OR GHANA OR EVEN ZIMBABWE. I HAVE EVEN READ SOME NEWSPAPER ARTICLES WHERE THE AUTHORS GENERALISE AFRICANS AND AFRICAN SAYINGS IN THIS WAY.
WE ARE ALL AFRICANS BUT WE ARE DIFFERENT IN A LOT OF WAYS.
FOR EXAMPLE I HAD A DISCUSSION WITH AN AFRICAN LADY WHO WAS PATRONISINGLY INFORMING ME THAT I HAVE A MIDDLE NAME EVEN THOUGH I DID NOT KNOW IT. SHE SAID THATS WHAT WE DO IN AFRICA. SHE WENT ON TO SAY THAT IF I WAS BORN ON A TUESDAY THEN THE SHONA WORD FOR TUESDAY SHOULD BE MY MIDDLE NAME. I TRIED IN VAIN TO EXPLAIN TO THIS DEAR LADY THAT WE SIMPLY DO NOT DO THAT IN ZIMBABWE BUT SHE WOULD NOT HEAR IT BECAUSE …………..YOU GUESSED IT “IT IS THE AFRICAN WAY”
SOME PEOPLE IN AFRICA CAN MARRY THEIR COUSINS OTHERS FORBID IT
SOME SOCIETIES IN AFRICA ARE MATRIARCHAL OTHERS ARE PATRIARCHAL
IT MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL WHEN PEOPLE ALWAYS TREAT AND REFER TO AFRICA AS IF IT
IS ONE COUNTRY NO WONDER THE LIKE OF SARAH PALIN THINK SO TOO.
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Simbimbino says:
If you want sex, and judging by the readers here, we are all predominantly in the diaspora; hence: there are plenty of on-line forums that provide quick, arguably safe sex-mates/buddies, no strings attached to satisfy every conceivable desire, unequivocally. So, at the end of the day, when you find yourself spending a lot of time with your sex buddy, chances are a great deal of time is exhausted talking about deep. personal and initmate things about your lives, ultimately you DO GET INEVITABLY closer, throw sex into that equation, it is guaranteed to end in tears for someone if not both parties. A very very very large part of what Ashley said about western women Vs women of Afro/Ethnic persuasion regarding sexual mentality is true, but not all of it.
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Pammy,
I also want to be your friend? RSVP
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There’s always a price to be paid, it’s inevitable.
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when 2 normal consenting adults engage in an act like this, not once but several times, it is nonsensical for any one of them to turn round and claim they were hurt. how do u expect to enjoy only the sex and refuse to face up to the pain it later generates? this story only serves to demonstrate the selfishness in human nature when it comes to sex outside marriage. get real and just suck it up
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a) is it possible to have a friend’s with benefits relationship without someone getting hurt?
No this is not possible. What makes this not possible is the “with benefits” inclusion. It is
possible to have a pure friendship between a man and a woman. However when sex is introduced
this changes everything. Sex is more than than a physical thing. It has a spiritual and soulish
element to it. No wonder it is said that man and woman become one after sex whether in or out
of marriage. Whether people believe it or not this is the truth. Trying to separate
two entities that have become one will always hurt because the break is never clean – part of you
is still in the other person.
b) who benefits the most from this scenario?
It might appear as if the man benefits the most since sex is less tied to love than for a woman.
However both will lose in the end. We always reap what we sow. If not dealt with the man’s daughter
if he happens to have one, will be hurt the same way he hurt the previous woman.
c) For women: how can you walk away from this scenario without getting hurt?
As stated above, it is not possible to avoid getting hurt. However it is possible to face the hurt and
not allow it to turn one into bitterness.
d) Is there any time when this is mutually beneficial?
It might appear so for a season, but eventually the pain will come.
e) What will you advice in this scenario?
In this scenario one needs to repent, ask God’s forgiveness and not go back again into the same thing. “Go and sin no more…”
f) is it possible to turn a relationship such as this to a real relationship?
The possibility is always there, but this requires both parties to face the issue and ask forgiveness
both from each other and from God.
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in most relationships of this nature there is one party thats attracted to the other but is not sure what the other party feels.maybe the girl this was attracted to the male friend but was afraid of losing friendship if she proposed so they play it “light”(safe mode).otherwise, y wld she get hurt at him marrying?
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It is true but not easy, some people are good from afar but far from being good. The two are good in having sex but far from being good in forming a real relationship of real lovers because they allowed the sexual part to think inplace of their brains. Next time use your brains to tell you your next move not you pipe and hole.
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I kind of agree with Pilsener that probably the girl was not sure the fella will consider her as someone he can marry, so she decided to play it safe hoping that maybe one day the relationship will develop to a new level. That hope was suttered when the friend married someone else. However, she was naive to think that any man on earth will respect her or marry her when she is already providing ”no-strings-attached-sex” to that man. Men can have sex with anything if its guaranteed that there wont be consequences.
At the end of the day every man wants to marry someone who can be trusted. I am afraid the lady in this article did not think that much before getting into the friendship with benefits.
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I am involved in a similiar situation with my bestfriend, however, we are both in relationships. For me, I am finally admitting to myself that I am inlove with him and also my significant other. So what do Ido now? I have decided to break it off with my boyfriend because he should not be treated in such a manner and I am a total bitch for cheating on him with my friend. Secondly, I am going to end this dysfuctional friendship that I am currently involved in because he is still going to marry his fiance either way. Pam, it is wiser to move on because at the end of the day he is still going to marry someone else even after three years of being with you. Start planting your own Garden and do not wait on him to bring you flowers, because it is not going to happen, he knew exactly what he was doing and even though it hurts, (my own experience), we both as female knew what we were getting into once we opened our legs in such a casual manner to our so called “bestfriends”. I hope in time the healing process will take place and you will realize that there is someone out there for you who will love you unconditionally. You sound like an intelligent woman and I know you will figure it out.
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