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Many African women grew up with the idea that the man did all the chasing while the woman did the waiting or played the role of the shy one that didn’t want to be disturbed. We all grew up reminding ourselves that being too forward was frowned upon and that women who were too forward in the courting stages of their relationships were the ones eventually dumped for the conservative, shy, and figuratively speaking virgin. For many of us, we have learnt how to do the associated eye rolling, while swinging our hips to the sounds of the tsk, tsk sounds from men as they heckled and admired our beauty. I am sure many a young African women have had to stop and maybe clap their hands while looking up to the sky and exclaiming, “why are all these men disturbing me”…but fast forward to 2008.
The roles seems to have changed as more women seem to have taken the reigns in terms of education and finance. With more and more women taking longer to tie the knot and get married – a lot more are deciding to take the reigns in dating and relationship and many are marking their claim for the man they want. Why sit back and wait when you two both know you like each other? I have often wondered how it will feel to be the aggressor in the chase and if any African woman will be upfront enough to say – “you know what I made the first move”. Enter Remi Fagbohun – Fashionista extraordinaire and a woman that is making waves in terms of Image Consulting and Styling in New York City.
I had a chance to speak to this happily, married, phenomenal woman on Saturday on and she was open enough to say that she made the first move. I had to be quite blunt and ask why? Didn’t she feel scared of the repercussions? Her answer was simply NO! Why should she wait for a man to get up the gumption to say hi when she can say hi and push things along. Now, that is courage! To be quite frank, it seems to have worked for them – they have lasted longer than the conventional two years that I give most African marriages in the diaspora and they are going on strong. Why should the chase only be for men? Please, I will rather not read the analogy of the lion and the lamb. I have never really liked being likened to a lamb, goat, dove, chicken or turkey and I am sure most women will agree with me here.
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Now my question to you guys and gals – who was the aggressor in your relationship (past or present)? How was it? For men, how will you feel if a woman chased you, will you classify her as desperate or as someone that knows what she wants?
Personally, my take is this: the rules have changed so much in African dating and relationships that who should do the chasing and who should be courted MIGHT also need to change with the times. What do you think?
Have Your Say?
Till next week,
Pammy.
little k aiti kana oda chinhu chake she would say so kwete zvokuti scratch me or rub my back.she would just plainly go ” hei iwe luc ndaakuda kukwirwa ” that was the best of my many relations.kwete anasibongile where we always had donkey-type of romance more like rape than consensual sex
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lucas…. I really have no comment for you right now…..
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I know you will not like this. If you are an African woman (Zimbabwe in particular) it will be nice for you just to make yourself approachable especially when in the presents of a guy you like rather than approaching the guy. Then on the other hand, it also depends on what family background the guy is coming from. Note, most guy or girls come from very well groomed families where our culture is followed and well respected. So, if a girl paraded herself in an upfront approach? She is likely to be duded a desperate whore. On the other hand, if the guy is coming from a family where moral values are decayed, then he will welcome the girl as dzauya dzega (these are mostly shy or low self-esteem guys).
Now back to myself, I moved to New York in 1994 just 3 years after completing High School. I did not leave a girlfriend back home so I was a free bird. I stayed in New York up to 2001 but I used to visit Zimbabwe after every 2 years. There was a girl in my neighborhood that was as young as 18 years old. I did not like her at first sight because I was coming from NY where I was dating mouth watering black Americans and Ethiopians. To me she was a non starter. But every time I visit home she will come and seat in the living room with my sister and start asking me questions about life in NY. I would answer all her questions because she was very polite and looks innocent. The forth time I went to Zimbabwe she was now 22 years old and looking like a woman now but still that did not appeal to me. She keeps on coming with her politeness and asks me if I brought any magazines with me and I would give her. One day my brother said “I know you do not like her as she does not measure up to your perceived standard but just take her to the movies.”
I took her to Westgate to watch a movie and my world was changed from that day. She had an impeccable reputation and manners, well cultured and did not even care about my money irregardless how many times I try to buy out of my life. I realized I was missing a lot and 3 years later I married her and moved to Canada.
The reason I gave my story is that sometimes you really do not have to approach the guy but if you can just increase contact and display good behavior. Some of us we will fall for it. Do not let yourself look so cheap, but if you decide to approach as the norm in Diaspora, make sure you do it smart like asking, what time is it, what is the fastest way to get to the freeway or highway. Men always want to expand after you ask them something. Try it and stop looking cheap.
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lol!! thanks Parks for your response and I am glad that you are happily married to the lady you met at home… we really will have to discuss that one day on SARFMRADIO.
Now, this lady that I mentioned was the one that made the first move on her husband and I believe she has been married longer than you. Her husband didn’t find anything wrong with her stepping up, in fact he respected her because she dared to be different. So, my real response is that “being cheap depends on your perspective”. If you are from a very conservative background – like yours, then I am sure you would have said, wtf, why is this woman talking to me, but if you are from a liberal background like her husband’s…you will go with the flow. Basically, I think it all comes down to the kind of background you come from and what your ORIENTATION is.
Should women step up to the men they like – I say go for it. But, the man really SHOULD BE WORTH YOUR STEPPING UP TO HIM.
Pammy
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Pammy
I agree with you on that. They are other curcumstances that you just feel like coming across a go getter. I came across those in school and you know when you are in school you do not really scrutinize that much like you do when you want to get married. I think it will depend on the girl’s approach for it to look normally.
Good luck to those who are still in the dating game.
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I think it’s a simple aspect of tradition Pam. It’s just like the white European people’s tradition that the guy is the one who pops the question (proposal). Can it be changed ? YES
BUT
Women have to remember that proposing or being the aggressor has two outcomes – a sweet happy anding or a humiliating and confidence denting rejection. The story you presented is a beautiful story with a beautiful ending. But that’s not always gonna be the case. You are gonna find somebody who will tell you that you are too ugly for them and if you were the last woman on earth, they would date cow. So will women be able to deal with rejection? How much impact will rejection have on your confidence??
We (man) have the ability to ask a girl out, be embarrassingly rejected, and continue with our lives as if nothing happened. In fact we can even move onto the next girl instantly. But can women do that?
In my opinion that’s the more challenging part which women who are thinking of making the first move should think about. Because rejection can potentially harm your confidence (which women desperately need).
So in a way, although the practice is traditional, it does somehow seem to address that fundamental question regarding the emotional consequences that arise and so suits both men and women.
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Date a cow —> lol!! rolling on the floor with laughter for real here.
I think we are basically saying the same thing here: If you do decide to step up to a guy, the guy definitely has to be worth it. If there is anything, anywhere that says ehm, maybe not…then don’t do it. In her beautiful love story, her husband knew a family member of hers..so that kinda eased the way to do what she wanted to do….
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It’s a fine line between desperation and ‘leading on’ a man. I have no issues with ladies who make first moves, I think it shows confidence in a woman. It isn’t easy breaking the ice with a woman you like (although alcohol helps in that regard!). The fear of rejection keeps a lot of men from taking that step although I feel woman have it easy in that regard. Men are less likely to embarrassingly reject a suitor than the other way round. I feel women should do it subtlety, maybe flash a quick smile or eye contact from across the bar, that was usually my cue to move in. Definitely makes breaking the ice a much easier and less daunting task. In that regard I find woman who come on too strong or who are too slutty a definite turn-off. A lot of men love slutty women because they look a sure bet for sex but not girlfriend material.
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it has been my experience in the diaspora that things have already changed in that regard. zimbabwean women are approaching men. however, there is fine print attached to that statement. to quote pammy: “But, the man really SHOULD BE WORTH YOUR STEPPING UP TO HIM.” – the women that i have witnessed approaching guy only approach those guys that are considered to be the cream of the eligible bachelor crop. the rest us regular dudes NEVER get approached. so it seems the “WORTH APPROACHING” thing is the biggest hurdle ie if a woman approaches a regular guy and gets rejected,she will feel almost insulted. if, however, she approaches a hot commodity and she gets rejected, her sisters will comfort her and say “we dont blame you, who could resist such a [fill in as necessary]“.
i believe that women judge their own worth based on the company that they keep. this includes her friends(women) and the men that she dates. have you ever noticed that if an accomplished woman catches wind of the fact that a lowly tea-boy is interested in her, she will feel offended. even if the tea-boy never actually approaches her, she will develop a negative attitude towards that guy.
also, some women will even keep their boyfriend from public view if they feel that they are dating below their “standards” – it is only after immense pressure from her friends that that guy will pointed out from afar. whereas, if he is mr hotstuff, she will even invite her friends to give suggestions on how to win his affections.
saka, while i like your idea, i dont think it will ever work because of the approach that women have towards who they are seen with. often times a woman will reject and scorn advances from a guy because she feels he is beneath her. after a while, she will reconsider and justify to herself that the guy is actually ok to date. saka, if women were to become the chasers, a lot of potentially good guys would never be considered. most great guys are not labeled on the forehead kuti “THIS IS A GOOD CATCH” – they have blank uninteresting foreheads and they look rather ordinary. it takes time and effort to find out that a guy has a lot of great qualities – saka are our zimbabwean women willing to invest that time and effort ? remember that there are no guarantees in dating saka after all that effort, you could still come up empty handed.
i will refer you to a movie that will smith did called hitch. a lot of women that i have talked to have expressed that they dont like that movie but guess what – most of the times men have to do a lot of trickery just to convince a woman to even agree to a single date.
finally, i think women enjoy the attention of being chased so if women were to become the chaser, they would no longer be the center of attention.
i would love to chased for once.
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ini a woman proposed,i accèpted bt she wants to control me.watch out men.
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PAMMY THANX A LOT FOR THIS INTERESTING AND INFORMATIVE WORK.
I CAME TO IRELAND IN 2005 AFTER FINISHING UNIVERSITY IN ZIM.
NOW I HAVE FINISHED POST GRAD THIS SIDE AND AS I LOOK FOWARD TO SETTLE MY MAIN PRE-OCCUPATION IS GETTING MISS PERFECT. I WAS APPROACHED BY A GIRL SOMETIME HERE IN UK BUT TURNED HER DOWN BCOZ OF SOME ISSUES, IF SHE WAS LOOKIN OK I COULD HAVE GONE FOR HER BUT ANE TWAKEWO.
I RELY NEMAFACE TO GETCONNECTIONS AND AM ONE OF THOSE PERSONS WHO DOES NOT WORRY MUCH IF I AM APPROACHED BY A GIRL-
ITS FAR BETTER KUDANANA NEMUNHU ANOTONDIDA THAN KUTI NDIMANIKIDZE MUMWE ASINGA NYATSODI.
AT THE MOMENT THERE IS A SISTER BASED IN NAMIBIA WHO IS MAKING SOME GOOD MOVES ON ME BUT STILL NEED TO DIGEST THE ISSUE AND MAKE A RIGHT RESPONSE.
WISHING ALL THE ZIM SINGLES GOOD LUCK-
BYE 4 NOW tizvibate maface angu- nyika yoruma- i wont say much on this!
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Pammy uuh nyaya yako is controvesial but there is someone who talks about background.I think that is the basis of everything.Just imagine a pesorn who grew up in rural areas ozoenda kutown at the age 20 what do you expect.Same to us guys.Like me i used to believe i am a man enough if i can propose a lady who seem to be difficult and win her.But here in SA its notlike that, a lady can ask you to date her which is once in a million in Zim.But since ladies wants equally rights i think its wise to raise that issue too
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Me i want u Pam so make a move to me please and we enjoy love any lady who want to approach me iam there, eitahm@gmail.com.
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This is intresting Pammy
While i am a big proponent of free expression and all i do not yet believe the timing of the move to be correct. I am conservative and retroaggresive in nature and do not think that most men are prepared to let women call the shots . Most relationships in which women propose they propose they call the shots just like most guys intially do before they get caught in the femocracy movement. So who controls wat will lead to the reasonable outcome given the personality of those involved
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I think women should go for it coz you never know what you will miss,its 2008 for googles sake!
My funny story is starts on facebook!There is/was a girl at work who knew me but i didntd.She ask me to be a friend on facebk and i had no idea who she was.I was polite and asked her-gel do i know u!?She replied yes we work at the same station u muppet!Being the only black guy there its easy for people to know u-being the only one in the village!So we had about 4 months of flirting on the net till we eventually went out about 2 weeks ago.Still ealry doors but looks good
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Hahahahaha………! Interesting
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so you guys are about who should initiate the asking?if you want to be in a lasting relationship donot ask a man out just providing clues is enough.the second part is when you now start going out who makes a move.if you are new and starting girls please be normal.the norm is you normally do like you dont want and as if watanga nhasi blaa blaa.but when we have been together for some time,we both know its nice we both know how its done we both know we need it so go for it girl.demand me call for it.if i come home late and you been missing it dont waste time asking where i have been,just go on and demand whats left of it.
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Help me Pam. I’m 2nd year student but old enough. There is this lecture who is probably 2 or 3 years older than me. She has been blushing on me a lot that a lot of girls(GIRLS)from our class have told me she has a crash on me. If I visit her to her office for consultations, its worse. My friends Are encouraging me to make the move. I’m still not sure because I’m just an undergrad student facing a PhD student. Can I make the move? Surely she will not make the move unless if she sees your blog(HAHAHA) which is unlikely as she is not zim. Play the aunt role because you are also a matured woman. I don’t wanna face a humiliating rejection.
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matthew 6:33 – Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things (husbands and wifes, boyfriedns and girldfriends included) shall be added unto you. The bible also tells us that he who finds a wiffe finds a good thing and obtains faour from the Lord(Proverbs 18:22). Now advixce dzamuri kupanana pano ndedzekuda kuvakana here. Muno mu1st world marriages do not last because of the backslidden nature of people here. isu netsika dzedu tinoziva kuti murume anonyenga musikana kuti awane mudzimai. manje kuno kudiaspora vakadzi ndivo vanonyenga varume ndokusaka kuine so many single mothers. saka be warned. kana uchida zvehusingle mother uye if marrriage is not for you then go around uchinyenga varume
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And yet another bible basher asvika. That is utter nonsense!!! Saka kuden ndokwavari bhoo because they are not “backslidden”??? Whatever that means. Kana uchida muface iye maziso ake akavharika or akatarisa Nancy iwe uri Susan unosara wakabata magaro Nancy achitemwa nemuface in the flat next door every night ukasaita move yako. I probably sound repetitive but times have changed. No point in going to bed extremely horny while hearing the bedsprings next door nekuti waimirira kunyengwa naTony iye aiteya Chitkete wepanext door! Muudze nyaya yako!!! As for the phd dudevadambure ambuya ivavo zvekuvadambura zviye until blushing yapera. Controversial but ndiko kubaya dhodhi nechigunwe!
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Hey guys, i think there is one thing that you are all (including Pammy) not realising. For Pammy and all other gals, may they are not willing to share this with us (men). This thing is that in all courtship it is the LADY that initiates so that contact can be establised. Whether SHE actually approaches the man in word or in act (as Pammy described it) is irrelevant but of fact is that she sets the stage for discussion no matter what the MAN does. If she likes you she lets you have the way, if she doesnt like you, tough luck big guy. That is realty. COMMENTS!!!
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Singleboy help yourself man! Ko unofa nenyota iwo makumbo ari mumvura sei? However, these other chics need emotional connection and friendship first before opening up. Rinonyenga rinohwarara rinozosimudza musoro rawana. Ukangotanga nekuti ndinokuda unoirasa, unorasisawo kuita seunoda hushamwari chete then kana mavekupindirana wokanda shoko. Dont let it too far nehushamwari otherwise she will think you want to take advantage of her (ndashaya kuti muchiShona zvinonzi kudini). Totokubatsirai kunyengaka isu vanaSekuru Godobori!
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Thanks Ketai and Zvakaoma. Mangwana chaiye ndiri kumutanga mumvana. Kana akaramba tough otherwise she’s a suga ****. I will update you next week What would have happened, that is if I don’t endup with a deregistration letter from the Dean’s office!
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Baba is very right. We should look into God’s word to find guidance when it comes to all matters of life. God is the author of our lives and He has given us instructions on all things that pertain to this life. The unfortunate thing is that its like a narrow path that only a few find. The majority of us prefer the wider path but you see it is also full of sorrow, regret and even destruction.
Anyway coming back to the matter under discussion I personally don’t have problem with a lady initiating a relationship. As long as. Even the bible says the end of a matter is better than its beginning. What really matters is how you are both going to work on that relationship towards marriage. If God could use a donkey to speak how much more can he also use a lady to speak to some man who may not be seeing what the lady will be seeing.
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WOMEN HAVE BEEN MAKING THE FIRST MOVES IN OUR CULTURE FOR YEARS!!!!
YES AND I MEAN IN ZIM.
THE DIFF IS JUST HOW THEY DID IT. YOU KNOW WHT I MEAN LADIES, YOU SEE SOMEONE YOU LIKE, AND INSTINCTIVELY YOU MAKE SUBTLE GESTURES, LIKE THAT GLANCE THAT IS JUST A FEW SECONDS LONGER, OR THE WALK CHANGES SLIGHTLY AND SO ON….
MY OTHER POINT IS THAT EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT, EVEN IN THE FIRST WORLD OR THE WEST. YOU WILL FIND PEOPLE WITH CONSERVATIVE VALUES, OTHERS WITH LIBERAL VALUES AND A LOT OF CONFUSED ONES. SO IF YOU TAKE YOUR TIME TO STUDY THEM, YOU CAN FIND THE BEST WAY TO APPROACH THEM.
NDINI WENYU. CDE TEBURU TSVINA GWENZI MUPOSTORI
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Singleboy, you know what munin’ina, yours is the simplest problem of them all. If you are not sure and not confident that she has a crash on you, mfana don’t waste time uchitsvaga zve friendship..go to her office kuma time time, then wongoguma shoulder rake kana garo rake ne mistake then wowona response yacho. I’m telling you if she really has a crash on you, unotobva warova simbi ikoko…remember to carry a condom mfana..ungatiitire zvinorova.
Bvunza isu munin’ina, unoti mazita edu aya ndeemangamanga here..?? Tinori gata vakuru…
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Zvamuno ona nyika dzaka simba zhinji dzacho kunyangwe dzisinga zive, dzaka vakwa nema principles e-mu bible. ku dismissa munhu uchiti bible basher simply because they have aroused some resentment in you (possibly a form of conviction) will not make his argument void. At the same time we must take care not to generalise things like vekuwest vari backsliden. Ma**** ari kwese kwese, zvidhakwa zviri kwese kwese, kana vanoramba vhangeri vachitemba ne njere dzavo vari kwese kwese.
Kuratidza munhu kuti uno muda, kana kutanga nyaya yacho hazvina kuipa. But ma motive edu ndiwo atino fanira kutarisa. Dzimwe boys dzinenge dzichingo tsvaga kurarwa muskana aine wedding gown in mind. Kana vamwe vaskana vanenge vachida Lazwa ne kudya shagi iye mface aine Melaz a heart. Saka kufamba na Mwari kunobatsira ku avoida zvaka wanda. Even uchi namata bad things can happen but God will see through.
KUNAMATA NDIZVO HAMA DZANGU.
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KANA PANE WANDA TUKA ……….SORRY
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Mazvituka comrade…
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uno putikirwa na CDE TEBURU TSVINA GWENZI MUPOSTORI. Chenjera mfanami. Boom.
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[...] Whose Move Is It Anyway? | zimbabwemetro.com – The bible also tells us that he who finds a wiffe finds a good thing and obtains faour from the Lord(Proverbs 18:22). Now advixce dzamuri kupanana pano ndedzekuda kuvakana here. Muno mu1st world marriages do not last because of the … [...]
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